I broke up with you on facebook. Stop calling me.

I love facebook. I love the fact that I can stalk any ones life with the clash of a couple keys and a couple clicks from a mouse. I can see who you’re dating. Who your top friends are. Christ, I can even see when you’re going to be out and about on the town so I can break into your house and steal your TV.

Facebook: Not fucking serious – At all. Stop acting like it.

“Are you guys FBO yet?” Have you heard this crockery? It stands For “FaceBook Official” and it means you threw your life away and any chance of snagging vag on the reg via the social networking site. This shit is not serious, but eighteen year old girls the world over feel that if it’s not F.B.O it’s not real.

Shit just got real.

Oh no! You broke up with me on facebook! This is serious. I should cry my self to sleep. I like the fact that I can like when people become single with a click of a button. How’s your heartache, bro? Hurts more now that all 854 of your pseudo-friends know you got your ass dumped because you wouldn’t cook her meatloaf and rub her feet every night.

I’m gonna come up with basic guidelines for use of the site Facebook. Ready?

1.This is the internet. Not drama class. Talking shit about other people on your status makes you look like a fucking retard.

“omfg when I see u ima fuck u up” – No you ain’t. Shut the fuck up. You’ll see whoever it is you’re talking about (probably just talking shit cause the person doesn’t even exist) and you’ll be all “Oh, Hey man. Long time.”

2. No one cares. I promise.  Are you lonely? Get the fuck off facebook and go to a bar and wallow in your self deprecating bullshit.

“omg my mom is so mean. im grounded for a week!” – Wah. Cry about it.  How about you stop bitching and complaining about how you got grounded or how your girlfriend is a cunt because she fucked your best friends (all of them) behind your back. Nobody but you cares. Every one else is just pretending.

3. Serial Tagging of people in status’. Whoa – cool. You’re tagging people you actually are hanging out with tonight? I’m fucking jealous. Look how cool you are.

“@stupidwhore friend @otherstupidwhorefriend @dudewhostryingtofuckme @ fatkidwehangouttomake funof OUT WITH MY FAVES DOING IT BIG.” Then they self like it. (super faggotry. I’ll get more to that in a second.)  Every one your facebook is now aware that you are too legit to quit. You have real friends that you’re hanging out with and no one is going to stop you. – Chances the serial tagger hangs out with real people a lot. Slim to none.

4. Self liking your status is fucking worthless. Be more vain, please.

Steve Bazucki is all that and a bag of skittles. *clicks like* “That will show every one how I serious I really am. The only proper time to self like is when you put up something shitty about your self. I.E “..is a scumbag” “…loves dick in my ass.” “… can smell her own vagina.” You get the picture.

5. Joining groups. Stop joining every single one.

Steve Bazucki likes The Redsox and 112 other other pages
.
You see that up there? That means you have way too much time on your hands. Take your left hand off your cock and your right hand away from the mouse and just stop.  People get it. You like Ninja Turtles and you think people born in 1980-1990 had the most common sense.You’re wrong though. No one has common sense. That shit Darwined (Noun as a verb, wut?) its way out of society thousands of years ago.

6. Farmville, Mafiawars, and Bejewled. These are like Meth. Not even once. People won’t talk to you. Your family will disown you and your significant other will leave you for some one who isn’t a faggot.
Stop playing these games. They’re useless. You just click on some shit. No thinking involved. Nothing. It can’t even be catergorized as a game. A game is something that takes skill. I hate to ruin your life goal of being the biggest faggot on earth, but making a sweet farm on facebook makes you look like a fifty year old widow.

You’re allowed to make a swastika farm with a black man tilling cotton. That is all.

7. Hanging out with some one once, adding them as a friend on facebook.
Chances are that person fucking hates you anyways. They were just dealing with you because you just happened to be there.  I got a friend who’s girlfriend is fucking notorious for this shit. “Oh snap, you were where I was so lets be friends!”
Shits creepy, bro. If you’re a girl it’s even creepier. Get some self esteem and real friends. Also – being friends with some one on facebook does not mean you are actual friends. Actual friends do things for one another. Not just like one an others status’ every now and again.
8. Posting links and other useless bullshit makes people delete you from their feed.
No one thinks that Enya song from 1993 is good. No one in 1993 even thought it was good. Don’t post it.  I mean, I post links to shit that I created my self. That’s O.K in my book because, well, I do it and I can do no wrong.

A picture of a duck slipping on ice and it says “ow!” as a caption. Wow. So glad you posted that up on my feed.

9. Invitations to things around the area.  Feel free to RSVP to shit. Don’t feel free to make invitations for shit that doesn’t matter.

Having a mild rager at your house? Alright. You couldn’t just fucking call the people and tell them? You want every one in the world to see you’re having it, don’t you? They’re not invited. Neener neener boo boo. You showed them.

10. Facebook is not serious business.

It just isn’t. Enjoy your day.

So I heard..

   ... Love is just a game and you're the star player. You can't win if you don't play. 

 

You have to substitute players at the right time and take some unnecessary risks. 

Take a pit stop and relax for twenty seconds and refuel, wash your windows, change the tires and get back out there. Sometimes you have to bring out the bench sitters to let the starters take a breath so they're not to get fouled out before the games over. You can feel your self about to give out. It's the tenth round. You're sick of getting juked and dodged. Getting  rope-a-doped into Haymakers. You're winded and you just want to quit. Then you realize the last nine rounds would of been pointless if you don't come out on top. 

 

You get in a fight, get thrown in the penalty box, but just ride that out. You'll be back on the ice and hitting it harder than before. You can hit a homerun and round all the bases, but you'll end up starting exactly where you started. Every time.

 

   Don't let your team mates down, but more importantly, never let your fans down. Once you lose them; you'll never have them ever again.

You can substitute love for lust if you're one of those. I know I am.

What you brought and what it says about you.

 I'm not afraid of alcohol. Some might even say I would marry it and show it more respect than any woman if given the chance. Alcohol is like my best friend and my worst enemy all rolled into one.


I've drank everything from top shelf brandy that goes for 45$ a snifter, to wine that sells for 11$ a box. What I choose to drink on a day to day basis has nothing to do with price, and everything to do with how throwed I want to get.  There was a time in my life where I would only drink Bacardi and Mountain Dew. Most of these days would end with me passing out in some ones sink or in my backyard making love to a bush.

By making love I mean throwing up on it violently until I made it my bitch.


So what did you bring to the fucking party?

- Johnnie Walker Black/Blue/Green/Gold -

 Wow, I'm so impressed. Look at your impeccable taste in choice whiskeys. Usually will hoard this bottle by either keeping it right next to them, or hidden in the bathroom cabinet. Don't even bother asking for a taste. They'll look at you like you just asked to mutilate their first born. This person doesn't drink often, and has the ability to purchase expensive alcohol. They can barely drink it straight even with five ice cubes.

One of my favorites. The "What the fuck did I just do to my self" face. You know what face I'm talking about; looks like a reaction video to Two Girls One cup. Finishes about half of it and throws up in their mouth. Then on the floor. Then in the sink. Then in/on the toilet.  Operation: Look Awesome went totally F.U.B.A.R. Then passes out on the bathroom floor. The only bathroom in the house.



- A 30 pack of Bud/Coors lite -

    The main staple of any party, be it a holiday party, or just a night in with the guys playing Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare. This person usually can't drink all thirty beers, but is very protective of his children. It works the same way with real kids; Once they get to about eighteen you don't really give a fuck anymore. Then openly hands them out to the world. Always asks "Can this fit in the fridge?"

Yes. There's room for it in the fridge. Do mean can you put it in the fridge? Would be a dick move for me to say nope, you got to keep your beers warm or you can get the fuck out! It's never Budweiser or Coors' originals. It's always the lite variety. Almost always end up driving home because they're "Not that drunk."

Dies before he even leaves the driveway.


- Can't-See-Through-Squeeze-Bottle - 

More often than not, brought by a girl who was previously raped in high school. She's convinced her self that she was raped, though. When in actuality she let half the soccer team gang bang her in grandmother's hand-me-down Buick. Almost always contains Arbor Mist, that has the same amount of alcohol that one beer has. When asked what it is, she'll say it's Captain and Coke and start stumbling all over the place.

Bad choice. Remember the Buick?

One of two things happens. She either leaves early with the guy she brought, or spots a guy she wants to fuck. One thing is a for certain, though, she's not leaving till she lifts her self-esteem by lowering her standards tonight.

- Mad Dog 20/20 -

 "I'm poor."


- A Veggie Tray - 

What the fuck is this faggotry? We're not in 5'th grade, bro. This isn't a potluck dinner and I fucking hate broccoli. The only time this is acceptable to bring is when  some one is having a BBQ. With old people and little kids and clowns. But this leads me to the next rule. You're not allowed to be at a party with clowns because that is creepy as fuck.

Go back to the store and switch this vegetable bullshit for several packages of maple bacon to make up for this bullshit.


- Single 40 Ounce of King Cobra -

 You know you only brought three and a half beers, right? Just because they're all stuck together doesn't make it cool. Usually a vulture, looking to feed off of every one else after their forty is gone.  Drinking a forty was cool when I was fifteen; when it only took three beers for me to get drunk. Every one knows the only exceptable  forty is the 211. The Steel Reserve. The real king of the Forties. It's cheaper, has 3% more alcohol by volume than the rest and it tastes like champion, liquefied.

Goes home sober. This is even worse than death.

- 5 liter Box Of Wine- 

"Are you kidding me? You brought wine? Are you gay?"


No. He's not gay, or stupid. He's smart. He bought five liters of awesome for just under twelve bucks. He's going to have the best time of his life and no one is going to stop him. Not you, not his girlfriend, or the cops. We have a saying in my group of friends. "You don't make plans when there is a box of wine involved - the box makes plans for you."

This person is a supreme alcoholic. They know what they're getting them selves into. Chances are they'll ruin your night.

Me and Sir Willis came up with a game while doing the five liter challenge, and again, I repeat, you don't make plans, the box makes plans for you. It's called the "Rape Game". You pop in a horror movie, and every time you hear the words no, stop, please, or help. You have to drink. You have to drink double if the words are combined in a sentence.


- Not a god damn thing -

Alright. Well, I guess we know who the douche bag is. This person just shows up at parties holding nothing but their dick and expects you to get them drunk. Quickly makes friends with Bud/Coors' kid around his 18'th beer. This is cool if you're straight edge, (did I just use cool and straight edge in the same sentence?) because you're not looking to get anything out of it. Will drink the end of any bottle in the freezer and probably even the ass out of the beer you just put down.

Probably just showed up because he saw cars in the driveway. Cool story, bro.
 

- Goldschläger - 

If you brought this, you need to ask your self two questions: Am I still in high school? Am I easily amused by shiny things?  A yes to either of these questions and you can drink all the Gold flakes you want,  baller.


Bringing Goldschlager does not mean you can say "Ballin`" every time you take a sip. If you're above the age of twenty one, and you still think the gold flakes cut your throat, blow your brains out. I'll give you the gun. 

Oh, snap. It's real gold! Yeah, a total of  .1 grams of gold. A total of three dollars. You just payed 28$ to get this bottle. You're not winning. Ends up trying to throw up the gold fakes to melt them down to get a forty because he is now broke, because he used his lunch money for school for the week on this.


- A Keg/Beer ball - 

All hail the mother fucking king. I got nothing to make fun of this person. He is the man, and I am his bitch. He will never leave the kegs side. It is his baby and he is its protector until it dies. A guardian angel, if you will. Leaves with non-see-through-bottle girl. Ends up in jail three weeks later for rape.




What are you bringing to my next party?

The worst thing I've ever been called was a disapointment.

/rant

As Americans we have it so well. We wake up, get on our computers, get ready, we drive on your paved roads in our new cars listening to our Ipods, and the only thing we care about is living the American Dream. Well, getting ass, getting fucked up, and then the American Dream.


You're being deceived. So what really is the American Dream?

Just a forced idea from the second we had cognitive reasoning.The general idea has been the same since the 1800's. Grow up, get a job, get married, pay taxes, have kids, get a tax break from being married and having kids. Repeat cycle with next generation. There's more to life than settling down.What is there to gain by picking a life long mate this young? Besides some one else who is gonna hate you down the line. Ruin your life, and take your kids away from you. Take you to court for everything you own, and rape your personal identity.

As most people know, I'm a "The glass was never full to begin with" type person. Since when does thinking logically and predicting outcomes in advance make some one a pessimist? Last time I checked that's what we call realists.


Go to college and get that degree. Get out of college. Move back into your parents because you can't find a job in this economy, but be prepared to defer those loans for twenty years. You are now two hundred grand in the hole. For what? The American Dream? You got fucked, and you're too scared to admit it. You now work in a job that pays thirteen dollars an hour, can barely scrape by enough to keep food in the fridge, let alone keep your rampant alcohol problem in check.

The people that fair the best in college are the peoples who parents pay for them to go get a degree in whatever they want. Throw enough money at a school, since we live in a capitalist country, and you'll get anything you want. Give enough money to pay for a gymnasium? Your kid can rape the entire cheer squad and shit on the deans desk and he'll still leave with a degree.

All this coming from a kid who couldn't pass highschool? Talk shit if you will, but chances are we went to the same type of college, and the classes I took were probably a step above yours. Got to love placement tests.  I skated by in school because I knew how to play the system,  how to bullshit and befriend teachers whos classes I couldn't fail and just go to summer school for. If I had a dollar for every time I heard "You have so much potential and you're throwing it all away." I'd have a pretty nice '89 Honda civic.



Pro-tip:  You can fail every English and math class in elementary and high school. Take it in summer classes. (This will probably fall on deaf ears since most my audience is out of high school.)

Oh, word? Unless you plan on going to a college that matters, fuck it. Yes, it cost me close to two grand but think of this: I got the same amount of credits you did. Did maybe a teenth (drug reference) of the work you did. The work was a breeze. It was designed for people who could barely spell their names correctly. Social Engineering people and events to work in my favor since I could walk.

Thanks, awesome fucked up child hood, you did something good for me. Taught me how to lie, cheat, steal and deceive. How to distance my self from feelings and people. I know, "Wah." but fuck you.


This is my American dream.

Who says that you have to go to college to be successful? Some of the most well-to-do families in the area started businesses with little to no experience in marketing, or business practice. Their kids are douche bags, with a "Holier Than Thou" attitude, but at least they're rich. Who cares what you pick for a major if daddy is just going to hand you the deed to the house and keys to the Porsche?


My Grandfather told me when I was younger "If you let people walk all over you and degrade your sense of self worth, you failed as Bazucki.". Thinking back to that day, I now know what he meant. Just do you. Every one around you is doing themselves too and they could give a shit less about your safety, feelings, or what you're doing with your life. (Unless it's something awful.) Everything I've ever learned has been through this man. He was my Father, my best friend and a teacher.



Are you really happy with your life and where it's at now? If you say yes, you're lying. You need to keep chasing and pursuing that dream just like the rest of America if you want to be happy.


Good luck. You'll hit rock bottom at some point. Hopefully you do it sooner, rather than later.

/endrant




 

What kind of fakebook status are you?

I see a lot of facebook status updates, not only because I lack any ability to do anything constructive, but because I am also addicted to the social networking site. It appears that every one thinks that their life is more important than any one else. It's not, and nobody cares. I promise.

Remember, if you get offended, it's because you're doing it wrong.


- The play by play kid -


Mellisa McThinkswecare is waking up, peeing, not washing my hands after I wipe, making oatmeal and not eating it, going to Dunkin Donuts to get a doughnut because I'm fat as shit, then off to work!

Oh really? Just like 96% of other americans ( immigrants excluded ) are doing. She thinks that because she posts it as a status some one is going to see it and think that, for some reason, some one cares. News flash: We don't need to know everything you're doing at every second of the day, unless you're telling us some sort of lesbian drunken fling you're going to have that night, keep it to your self.


- The hardcore quote kid -

xxMcFaggotxx is every friday ight is hardcore. good friends. good times.and every saturday night you know its hardcore. stage dives. high fives.


Oh really? Don't you ever get bored of listening to shitty music because it makes you think you're some how going to stand out, or that girl with the labret piercing is going to like you more? These kids usually have "mosh" in at least seven status updates a day. You don't stick out, you're not special, and hating kids who like Dance Gavin Dance and New Found Glory don't make you more hardcore. They make you look like you have an inability to think for your self. No one cares about that upcoming show, or how insane your stage dive was at the local hardcore show that eleven people went to.

- The wah kid -

Andy McCrysalot is OMFG I can't believe this happened to me halp!

Oh really? So you're an attention seeking, desperate, worthless human being? Cry on facebook! That will make people respect you more. Your girlfriend broke up with you? That's a shame. She was a slut anyways. Get over it, get a beer and hang out with your real friends who will listen to you bitch and complain. Get the fuck out my Facebook with your cries and wahs. I will go out of my way to hit the like button on every and any status that involves something bad happening to you. Every time.

- The overused movie quote kid -


Steve Mcthinkshesfunny is "I love lamp."

Oh really? You don't love lamp. You love quoting movies from highschool in a vain attempt to look cool and be funny. This kid is usually trolling for comments on his facebook because he's sitting alone in his room on friday night. You know what was funny? That quote when I saw it in the movie the first three times, not when I read it on your status update three years later. This status usualy will get the users two real life friends to post other quotes from the movie that are equally shitty. This is usually the same person who, when shown anything remotely funny, will tell you it wasn't as good as Old School, because Will Ferrel and Dane Cook are the "funniest comedians ever".


- The ambiguous "lol" kid -


Ryan Mcawesome is lol.

Oh really? You're doing it right. Keep being awesome, kid.


- The trying to find something to do kid -


Ronald McHasnofriends is WHAT IS EVERY ONE DOING 2NIGHT? HIT UP THE CELL.

Oh really? I saw your blackberry. I'm glad you payed $600 to use a free internet social networking site to try to find things to do. With out fail,(or with) this person will be sitting alone till eleven P.M until they decide to go to a local Chineese restaurant/bar to pick up women. Checks his blackberry every thirty seconds, while sipping on an over priced Mai Thai by him self, noticing that no one has called or replied to his facebook status. Goes home and post this status:

Ronald McHasnofriends is WOW SICK NIGHT SO HURT GOIN TO BED ROUND 2 2MOROW.



- The rap wanna be kid -


Tyler McCantrapforshit is everyday I wake up/ to bake up/ with a shake up/ gotta grind for my paper/ like a raper with a swing line stapler cheaaeeeeeeaaaa

Oh really? Do you really think that was impressive? Do you think any one reading the status page was like "Oh damn, nigguh got game, I can't wait till he get big". No. this isn't happening. What's happening is every one is saying "Why am I even friends with this kid?" Usually pretends to rep his small town with forty thousand people in it with a stupid nick name like L-town or The burg. Secretly wishes he was DMX. Status should read:

Tyler McCantrapforshit is BACK DEN HOES DIDNT WANT ME NOW.... nothings changed ;(


- The I'm working, visit kid-

Bethany McSlutface is working tonight from 4-close come down and tip me!


Oh really? The real status never says anything about the tip. Stop shamefully trying to endorse your self via facebook. We all know the only reason you put that up is, not to have friends visit, but to have all those creepy thirty year old regulars that added you and that you flirt with nightly to come down and give you extra money. She doesn't know that she is a glorified piece of eye candy that serves old water. That's your job; You serve old water with grains that went bad in it, while wearing something slutty. Next stop: The Other Side.


- The I love you babe kids -

Dan McFirstgirlfriendinawhile is going to see my baby girl i luv you muah muah muah <3


Oh really? We get it. You're in love because the last time you had a girlfriend was 2004. Chances are, she's cheating on you anyways, but will leave comments like "oh sweety poo, I love you too omg <3". You know what I hate more than P.D.A? Virtual P.D.A. It makes me want to throw up on small children. Facebook is not your personal The Notebook dialogue center. An epic throw-down that could rival a a meteor the size of Kanye West's ego smashing you right in the face ensues if another girl posts anything on the status. Enjoy your herpes and heart break, kid.






- The leaving on a trip soon kid - 




Ashley McUjealous is TAHITI IN 6 MONTHES 3 DAYS 14 HOURS AND 32 MINUTES!




Oh really? Get over your self, every one goes on a trip at some point in time. Every day, for the next six months, you will see an update on their departure date. This is the only kind of status this person will post. Ever. Oh, hey, and thanks for letting every one know when your apartment is going to be completely unmanned so some one can break in and steal everything you own while you're laying on a beach loving life.



- The just broke up with my boyfriend kid - 

Jasmine McImactuallysad is so excited to be free. Out with my grls 4 grl nite!


Oh really? You sure you don't mean "is really upset that I blew three dudes and got found out, so now I'm going to go drink my self into oblivion and fuck the first guy that hits on me tonight"? You'll see this status for a couple days along with ambiguous "Hanging with my faves!". This is because she's trying to make her ex-boyfriend angry to get back at him even though she fucked up. Stop putting up a front like you got the best of him when you know deep down inside the next guy you date is probably going to be a complete douche bag and beat you, treat you like shit, and fuck all of your friends. Well, that last part was me hoping.





I could do this all day, but chances are most people won't make it to the third line.

Alcohol Induced Disinhibition Syndrome

Me: You're not my type.
Girl: What's your type?
Me: Skinny.

Sorry I haven't been around for awhile. I've been doing such things as what's up there. Drinking heavily and not really hating it at all. Making friends of enemies and enemies of so called friends.

I have been a wrecking ball of wanton destruction on all things alcohol based.

Disinhibition (wiki) - Disinhibition is a term in psychology used to describe a lack of restraint manifested in several ways, including disregard for social conventions, impulsivity, and poor risk assessment. Disinhibition affects motor, instinctual, emotional, cognitive and perceptual aspects.

Sounds familiar, right?

An individual experiencing disinhibition is more prone to react according to their feelings and reaction at each moment in time. The individual is less able to exercise their normal control: that is to choose to inhibit some of their responses in the way we all do each day for reasons of politeness or sensitivity or social appropriateness or desire to keep our true feelings hidden from others.[citation needed] Individuals under the influence of alcohol, for example, exhibit disinhibition in view of the depressant effect of alcohol on the brain's higher functioning.

My most recent episode of A.I.D.S. Point at girl. Point at my self. Point at the bathroom. Wink. Full blown make out session. it's to easy sometimes.

Girl: Did you just call me fat?
Me: You're not fat, you're proportioned.
Girl: Like fat proportioned?
Me: Yeah, like that.

That's gotta be a rough statement. Then watching me take the skinniest girl there to the bathroom.

You might think I'm an asshole, but some of the shit my friends have done is even worse. Most of these were just inside stories. Fuck it.

flashback!

Friend, Gizmo. Same story as almost every man I know. They treated a girl with the utmost respect, treated her like a queen, got sucked into her bullshit and came out the other side a bullshit artist. Girls don't realize that they pretty much make the man by how they deal with breaking up. We get turned into whores and womanizers because we figure, there is no point.

The best weapon for not getting your heart broken. Break theirs first.



Who loses their virginity in the back of their parents 92 corolla wagon? Gizmo. Who trades girls for bottles of alcohol. Gizmo and I.

"Hey dude, if you let me bang **** I'll give you this bottle of vodka" He says to me, holding in his left hand a half empty (or half full, but I'm not that kind of guy) plastic handle of vodka. You can tell this is a top notch quality vodka. The plastic bottle and the plastic cap. Oh, and the fact that it's brand name. Brand name of the local chain of alcohol department store.

"I dunno dude, I think there's to much vodka in there. She's not worth that much."

Of course I get talked into it. We both drank it anyways. The deal was, you can try. If you succeed, I won't get mad.

He shoots. He scoooooooores.

Between the Three Destroyers Of Labia we've probably slept with about fifteen of the same girls. Passing them around like candy at the end of Halloween night.

-Or were they passing them selves around? The girls say they didn't do that. How are we the assholes because you're a whore? Riddle me that, trick.

The Pasta Day Debacle.

Gizmo is banging this sophomore for a little while as a senior in high school about to leave for the Marines. Pretty much that whole class felt the wrath of us that year. It's not our fault, it's just that girls in this age group are more stupid. They haven't got the chance to get ruined yet. Give that some time with our group of friends.

Classy Broad. Cheerleader, Blond, stupid. Pretty much the stereotype.

Gizmo some how convinces Cheer star that she should come back to her house during lunch. It's all about skipping school to go home and get some ass. I can understand that. Poor girl. After using her school girl cheer uniform as a cum rag. He makes her wear that back to school because it was Pasta day.

"Can we stop by my house so I can change?"
"Nope, it's pasta day and I'm not missing that."

Wow. way to make a gal feel like a million bucks, Giz. What's sad, is they dated after this. Then I think I dated her, than every one did.

The Taste Of Chaos

This isn't really one of those dick move stories. It's kind of like a what the fuck guy, kind of story. We're at a concert, standing in the crowd rocking out to some bullshit want to be Saosin band and infront of us are there these three girls.

It was hard to tell their age at the time as one starts grinding on Bruce. This kid can't dance for shit, but he's got a couple good moves that helps pull the ladies. The Pulp Fiction dance and a little number I like to call the goof troop shimmy. Some how, no words being spoken. No alochol. No drug involvement. They just start making out. I'm baffled as to how this happened. At the time I had just gotten out of a shitty relationship and hating women even more so I was emo as fuck.

After that little set is done. We invite them up top to sit and talk. It only seems appropriate. You just sloshed your vag against his leg for ten minutes and you have no idea about him at all.

I'm looking at this one girl that was with them. She looked like she was about fifteen. The other two looked older than that. Maybe a younger sister?

They say they're 19.

Detective Zoo comes out. "What kind of car do you drive?" This question makes it appear that I just want to know about ... the car she has. It really tells me two things. Are you old enough to drive? Are your parents rich?

"I don't drive, right now." mm hm.

"Where's your license?"

"I left it at home"

"Where's your keys for your house?"

She takes those out, and look at that. Just a house key. hm.

"So your mom is coming to pick you up?"


After I conclude that these girls are lying about being 19, I lean over to bruce and say, dude these girls can't even be 17 yet. He just shrugs and said "I heard 19, I'll just stick with that."



This is the douche part. He banged this girl the same day he met his long term girlfriend, and baby momma.

I'm jealous.

I can't say I wouldn't of done it. I know I would of, but I was being a faggoty little dectective and hating on females. I should be the one banging underage girls I meet at concerts.


I've been catching A.I.D.S every night for about two weeks now. Maybe I should relax, but I got a new hair cut, I gotta show it off.

Minimal Amount of Alcohol, Massive Amounts of Misconduct.

Some things in life are guaranteed. Death, cavities, let down, and getting absolutely shit faced on your twenty first birthday. If you don't wake up throwing up the next morning you did something wrong. I'm a big advocate of debauchery, as you can probably tell.

For awhile there any time some one would tell me they were turning twenty-one I would make it a point to make them take shots of whiskey with lime. The lime makes them always say yes, but it doesn't even matter, as there's only about a drop of lime in there for flavor. Who ever decided to first put Yukon Jack and lime juice (another one of my favorite things to pour into my face) is my hero.

Oddly enough, I had quit drinking for six months prior to my twenty-first to see if I could do it. If I really was a slave to the weekend, if I could overcome the want, and need to get shitty and bring the mother fucking raucous. Energy drinks were the bane of my existence through out this experience. I would go through four of these massive energy drinks and as you probably know, this is worse than drinking four forties of Steel Reserve. At least you'll pass out after and wake up feeling like shit, instead I would stay up till Ninja Turtles would come on, shaking in my bed from the sugar and caffeine. I might as well of been doing cocaine.

This story I'm about to tell has nothing to do with me turning 21. It just happens to be a day I'll remember for the rest of my life.

It's really easy to balance trying to see multiple girls when you're not drinking at all. You remember everything, you don't slip at the tongue, you can easily say that you're the designated driver and still go out. I know it seems impossible that I can't get laid with out alcohol, but it happens even more so get the fuck over it.

****(8:57:10 PM): yeah thnk god for booze some guys would have a harder time getting laid

Don't know if I should take that above statement as a personal attack or just a general hate for men. I'll go with the first. "harder time" - LOL

At the time of this I was seeing about five different girls. I had been single for almost a year and built up quite the smorgasbord of girls to lie to. A couple with boyfriends, which is my favorite. Just using one another because their boyfriends can't fuck correctly. If you're a guy and you're reading this, make damn sure that you make your girl have orgasms on a constant basis or she'll be out trying to with some one else. Scratch that, they'll be out regardless so don't even bother.


I'm sure you all have those people that you would hook up with randomly since you were a teenager. This one girl, was my favorite. I won't even give her a name. I've cheated on every girl I've dated with this girl. She's one of those girls that when you look at her all you can think of is sex. Every time her and one of the boyfriends she had would break up, I'd be right there. Rebound hero.

Around this time me and her were actually doing cute shit. I was trying to pick which one I could get away with cheating on the most and just generally being all around shitty too. This girl lost. (or won, you decide.)

On the morning of my twenty-first I drive a couple towns over to get breakfast with this one. It's the middle of June and it just started getting over 85* for the first time. I remember smiling to my self, knowing that I had lined up going to catalinas house after I left here. I wonder what kind of bullshit I could get away with today.

eeeeek.

The lying started early. It's roughly 10 A.M on a saturday. (yes, my 21'st fell on a saturday. You jealous?) Telling girl number one that I had to go eat lunch with my grandfather, so I could only stay for a little bit. We do the popular Friendly's breakfast. This restaurant fucking blows. The only thing worth eating there is the ice cream. It's owned by the same people who own Denny's. Didn't know that, did you?

Breakfast ends, I pay for it, because I'm such a gentleman. It's my birthday and I'm paying to take some one else out. I love women. Besides, $20 to get half a blow job and your cock shook isn't a bad deal. This girl loves to tease for some reason. The kind of tease that's cute for the first thirteen seconds, but after that it's like hurry up and put it in your face. This is never the case as the teasing must last forever because she needs to feel the power of a guy begging. Luckily, I know this game and have the perfect defense for it.

You just tell them to stop and start doing it to them. How do you like me now?

Skipping the "sex" story here. Nothing entertaining anyways. I remember this one pretty well though. The phone rings. catalina. The ability to lie that I have has come from years of experience.

"Who's that?" girl asks with a perturbed look.

"Oh, fuck, it's my grandfather! I must be late!" I flip open the phone. This crazy nextel piece of shit that has a button on it for lazy mother fuckers such as my self who can't be hastled with the regular flip. "Hi. am I late?"

"Hi, there. You still coming over for lunch?" catalina. Ugh. At this point we had been seeing one another for about three months. Yeah. I'll be there in an hour after I'm done hooking up with your friends.

I actually said "Oh. Yeah, that? Definitely. Be there in an hour." She says something to the effect of see you later, and hangs up. I continue talking to no one "Yeah. Gramps, I'll bring some beer. What do you want at the store? uh huh. uh huh. See ya in an hour."

scum bag.

Kiss, hug, gang sign on the way out. Start the drive back to vice central, or Leominster (the town I live in) for round two of the day. I pull into a my gym to use the bathroom. Gotta make sure there's no sparkles on me. This has been my downfall in the past. Have to make sure you don't smell like girl. This is why I keep a change of clothes in my car. I realize I probably smell like girl so I'll have to use my gym to shower at. Yes. this is why I have a gym membership. A place to shower and change with out ever having to even go home. Feel free to steal that cheating tip and use it in your perfect relationship you don't have.

*random* This is how I asked catalina out. "Will you be my bitch?"
I should get an award for being the most romantic asshole ever. Sadly, she said yes to this. Would you?

I show up to her house in gym shorts and a t-shirt. A far cry from what I was wearing this morning. At least this girl knows exactly why I'm here. We're not going out to eat. I'm coming over to have a mid day bang session. I think I might of been throwing the "I love you" around by this time. Once you say it, girls think it's true. Who would lie about something like that? You'd have to be a monster of a douche.

eeeeek.

Skipping more of the "sex" story. Nothing entertaining, again. It was good though. Just at the time when you're ready to do the ridiculous shit you wouldn't do with a one night stand in fear that they'll think you're a freak. I think we cuddled till about dinner time. By this time I'm getting a ridiculous amount of phone calls and texts saying happy birthday from people I didn't even really care about. I actually had even forgot it was my birthday for a little bit. I was afraid to drink, my liver was my friend for a minute. I was going to change this.

I didn't have to lie to her about what I was doing that night, It's hard to lie when you don't know the truth about what you're gonna do. I figured that two girls for the day was enough.

I'm skipping the amount of drinking that goes on here, as you probably know. Girls that walk around half naked with shot glasses? I've never seen this and I am intrigued. That's all you need to hear.

I end up going over (I have to be real delicate here, as I still talk to this girl) Blues house. Blue is for the color of her eyes. Piercing. I have blue eyes, but this girls should be ripped out of her head when she dies and put into a super models. I didn't figure I'd end up by the end of the night with my dick in her mouth.

I never thought that the by using a quote from a movie would actually work. "why don't we, uh, play just the tip. Just for a second. Just to see... how it feels."


She thinks I'm being serious.
I think I'm being funny.

It works out either way. She told me not to long ago that when she went upstairs she made out with some other dude upstairs for a little bit. I'm not to up to date on the time line of their make out, but I hope it wasn't anywhere near the time my dick went into her mouth to the end of the night.

eeeek.

We cuddle snugly and wake up in the morning. "Do you hate me, yet?" I ask her. She just shakes her head, no. At breakfast she sits on the other side of the table, about eight people down. She's pissed at her self. I can tell. Most girls are when they realized they hooked up with me the night before, and fell for the "Just the tip" line.

Told you the story had nothing to do with alcohol consumption.

I think I'm going to be done writing about my cheating stories, there are more, but I feel ending with a catalina sandwich on my birthday is just to much. How I got caught cheating, though, well, that's a different story. You can't get away with everything forever.