Last night, I was standing by the bar when this girl came over and asked, "Any chance you could buy me a drink?"
"Well, yeah, if you want. But it's going to cost you", I said, with a cheeky grin and a wink.
"Oh, and what's it gonna cost me?", she replied, as she returned the smile.
I said, "However much your fucking drink costs, you stupid bitch".
hm.
Random blonde girl sitting alone at the bar?
Perfect.
"I'm gonna bet you get a lot of dicks in that mouth of yours." She gave me a death stare. "What the fuck did you just say to me?"
"I mean, it's not a bad thing. I'm just saying that it looks like you're the kinda girl that can get any dick she wants whenever."
More death stare.
"That's really insulting?"
"That's insulting? Fuck that noise. Your stupidity insults me. I'm trying to tell you I want to fuck your face and you just sit there acting like I'm speaking spanish."
"I think this is the first time i've never wanted to talk to some one." she grabs her purse and shakes her face from side to side.
He shoots. He fails.
Perfect.
"I'm gonna bet you get a lot of dicks in that mouth of yours." She gave me a death stare. "What the fuck did you just say to me?"
"I mean, it's not a bad thing. I'm just saying that it looks like you're the kinda girl that can get any dick she wants whenever."
More death stare.
"That's really insulting?"
"That's insulting? Fuck that noise. Your stupidity insults me. I'm trying to tell you I want to fuck your face and you just sit there acting like I'm speaking spanish."
"I think this is the first time i've never wanted to talk to some one." she grabs her purse and shakes her face from side to side.
He shoots. He fails.
Alcohol Induced Disinhibition Syndrome
Me: You're not my type.
Girl: What's your type?
Me: Skinny.
Sorry I haven't been around for awhile. I've been doing such things as what's up there. Drinking heavily and not really hating it at all. Making friends of enemies and enemies of so called friends.
I have been a wrecking ball of wanton destruction on all things alcohol based.
Disinhibition (wiki) - Disinhibition is a term in psychology used to describe a lack of restraint manifested in several ways, including disregard for social conventions, impulsivity, and poor risk assessment. Disinhibition affects motor, instinctual, emotional, cognitive and perceptual aspects.
Sounds familiar, right?
An individual experiencing disinhibition is more prone to react according to their feelings and reaction at each moment in time. The individual is less able to exercise their normal control: that is to choose to inhibit some of their responses in the way we all do each day for reasons of politeness or sensitivity or social appropriateness or desire to keep our true feelings hidden from others.[citation needed] Individuals under the influence of alcohol, for example, exhibit disinhibition in view of the depressant effect of alcohol on the brain's higher functioning.
My most recent episode of A.I.D.S. Point at girl. Point at my self. Point at the bathroom. Wink. Full blown make out session. it's to easy sometimes.
Girl: Did you just call me fat?
Me: You're not fat, you're proportioned.
Girl: Like fat proportioned?
Me: Yeah, like that.
That's gotta be a rough statement. Then watching me take the skinniest girl there to the bathroom.
You might think I'm an asshole, but some of the shit my friends have done is even worse. Most of these were just inside stories. Fuck it.
flashback!
Friend, Gizmo. Same story as almost every man I know. They treated a girl with the utmost respect, treated her like a queen, got sucked into her bullshit and came out the other side a bullshit artist. Girls don't realize that they pretty much make the man by how they deal with breaking up. We get turned into whores and womanizers because we figure, there is no point.
The best weapon for not getting your heart broken. Break theirs first.
Who loses their virginity in the back of their parents 92 corolla wagon? Gizmo. Who trades girls for bottles of alcohol. Gizmo and I.
"Hey dude, if you let me bang **** I'll give you this bottle of vodka" He says to me, holding in his left hand a half empty (or half full, but I'm not that kind of guy) plastic handle of vodka. You can tell this is a top notch quality vodka. The plastic bottle and the plastic cap. Oh, and the fact that it's brand name. Brand name of the local chain of alcohol department store.
"I dunno dude, I think there's to much vodka in there. She's not worth that much."
Of course I get talked into it. We both drank it anyways. The deal was, you can try. If you succeed, I won't get mad.
He shoots. He scoooooooores.
Between the Three Destroyers Of Labia we've probably slept with about fifteen of the same girls. Passing them around like candy at the end of Halloween night.
-Or were they passing them selves around? The girls say they didn't do that. How are we the assholes because you're a whore? Riddle me that, trick.
The Pasta Day Debacle.
Gizmo is banging this sophomore for a little while as a senior in high school about to leave for the Marines. Pretty much that whole class felt the wrath of us that year. It's not our fault, it's just that girls in this age group are more stupid. They haven't got the chance to get ruined yet. Give that some time with our group of friends.
Classy Broad. Cheerleader, Blond, stupid. Pretty much the stereotype.
Gizmo some how convinces Cheer star that she should come back to her house during lunch. It's all about skipping school to go home and get some ass. I can understand that. Poor girl. After using her school girl cheer uniform as a cum rag. He makes her wear that back to school because it was Pasta day.
"Can we stop by my house so I can change?"
"Nope, it's pasta day and I'm not missing that."
Wow. way to make a gal feel like a million bucks, Giz. What's sad, is they dated after this. Then I think I dated her, than every one did.
The Taste Of Chaos
This isn't really one of those dick move stories. It's kind of like a what the fuck guy, kind of story. We're at a concert, standing in the crowd rocking out to some bullshit want to be Saosin band and infront of us are there these three girls.
It was hard to tell their age at the time as one starts grinding on Bruce. This kid can't dance for shit, but he's got a couple good moves that helps pull the ladies. The Pulp Fiction dance and a little number I like to call the goof troop shimmy. Some how, no words being spoken. No alochol. No drug involvement. They just start making out. I'm baffled as to how this happened. At the time I had just gotten out of a shitty relationship and hating women even more so I was emo as fuck.
After that little set is done. We invite them up top to sit and talk. It only seems appropriate. You just sloshed your vag against his leg for ten minutes and you have no idea about him at all.
I'm looking at this one girl that was with them. She looked like she was about fifteen. The other two looked older than that. Maybe a younger sister?
They say they're 19.
Detective Zoo comes out. "What kind of car do you drive?" This question makes it appear that I just want to know about ... the car she has. It really tells me two things. Are you old enough to drive? Are your parents rich?
"I don't drive, right now." mm hm.
"Where's your license?"
"I left it at home"
"Where's your keys for your house?"
She takes those out, and look at that. Just a house key. hm.
"So your mom is coming to pick you up?"
After I conclude that these girls are lying about being 19, I lean over to bruce and say, dude these girls can't even be 17 yet. He just shrugs and said "I heard 19, I'll just stick with that."
This is the douche part. He banged this girl the same day he met his long term girlfriend, and baby momma.
I'm jealous.
I can't say I wouldn't of done it. I know I would of, but I was being a faggoty little dectective and hating on females. I should be the one banging underage girls I meet at concerts.
I've been catching A.I.D.S every night for about two weeks now. Maybe I should relax, but I got a new hair cut, I gotta show it off.
Girl: What's your type?
Me: Skinny.
Sorry I haven't been around for awhile. I've been doing such things as what's up there. Drinking heavily and not really hating it at all. Making friends of enemies and enemies of so called friends.
I have been a wrecking ball of wanton destruction on all things alcohol based.
Disinhibition (wiki) - Disinhibition is a term in psychology used to describe a lack of restraint manifested in several ways, including disregard for social conventions, impulsivity, and poor risk assessment. Disinhibition affects motor, instinctual, emotional, cognitive and perceptual aspects.
Sounds familiar, right?
An individual experiencing disinhibition is more prone to react according to their feelings and reaction at each moment in time. The individual is less able to exercise their normal control: that is to choose to inhibit some of their responses in the way we all do each day for reasons of politeness or sensitivity or social appropriateness or desire to keep our true feelings hidden from others.[citation needed] Individuals under the influence of alcohol, for example, exhibit disinhibition in view of the depressant effect of alcohol on the brain's higher functioning.
My most recent episode of A.I.D.S. Point at girl. Point at my self. Point at the bathroom. Wink. Full blown make out session. it's to easy sometimes.
Girl: Did you just call me fat?
Me: You're not fat, you're proportioned.
Girl: Like fat proportioned?
Me: Yeah, like that.
That's gotta be a rough statement. Then watching me take the skinniest girl there to the bathroom.
You might think I'm an asshole, but some of the shit my friends have done is even worse. Most of these were just inside stories. Fuck it.
flashback!
Friend, Gizmo. Same story as almost every man I know. They treated a girl with the utmost respect, treated her like a queen, got sucked into her bullshit and came out the other side a bullshit artist. Girls don't realize that they pretty much make the man by how they deal with breaking up. We get turned into whores and womanizers because we figure, there is no point.
The best weapon for not getting your heart broken. Break theirs first.
Who loses their virginity in the back of their parents 92 corolla wagon? Gizmo. Who trades girls for bottles of alcohol. Gizmo and I.
"Hey dude, if you let me bang **** I'll give you this bottle of vodka" He says to me, holding in his left hand a half empty (or half full, but I'm not that kind of guy) plastic handle of vodka. You can tell this is a top notch quality vodka. The plastic bottle and the plastic cap. Oh, and the fact that it's brand name. Brand name of the local chain of alcohol department store.
"I dunno dude, I think there's to much vodka in there. She's not worth that much."
Of course I get talked into it. We both drank it anyways. The deal was, you can try. If you succeed, I won't get mad.
He shoots. He scoooooooores.
Between the Three Destroyers Of Labia we've probably slept with about fifteen of the same girls. Passing them around like candy at the end of Halloween night.
-Or were they passing them selves around? The girls say they didn't do that. How are we the assholes because you're a whore? Riddle me that, trick.
The Pasta Day Debacle.
Gizmo is banging this sophomore for a little while as a senior in high school about to leave for the Marines. Pretty much that whole class felt the wrath of us that year. It's not our fault, it's just that girls in this age group are more stupid. They haven't got the chance to get ruined yet. Give that some time with our group of friends.
Classy Broad. Cheerleader, Blond, stupid. Pretty much the stereotype.
Gizmo some how convinces Cheer star that she should come back to her house during lunch. It's all about skipping school to go home and get some ass. I can understand that. Poor girl. After using her school girl cheer uniform as a cum rag. He makes her wear that back to school because it was Pasta day.
"Can we stop by my house so I can change?"
"Nope, it's pasta day and I'm not missing that."
Wow. way to make a gal feel like a million bucks, Giz. What's sad, is they dated after this. Then I think I dated her, than every one did.
The Taste Of Chaos
This isn't really one of those dick move stories. It's kind of like a what the fuck guy, kind of story. We're at a concert, standing in the crowd rocking out to some bullshit want to be Saosin band and infront of us are there these three girls.
It was hard to tell their age at the time as one starts grinding on Bruce. This kid can't dance for shit, but he's got a couple good moves that helps pull the ladies. The Pulp Fiction dance and a little number I like to call the goof troop shimmy. Some how, no words being spoken. No alochol. No drug involvement. They just start making out. I'm baffled as to how this happened. At the time I had just gotten out of a shitty relationship and hating women even more so I was emo as fuck.
After that little set is done. We invite them up top to sit and talk. It only seems appropriate. You just sloshed your vag against his leg for ten minutes and you have no idea about him at all.
I'm looking at this one girl that was with them. She looked like she was about fifteen. The other two looked older than that. Maybe a younger sister?
They say they're 19.
Detective Zoo comes out. "What kind of car do you drive?" This question makes it appear that I just want to know about ... the car she has. It really tells me two things. Are you old enough to drive? Are your parents rich?
"I don't drive, right now." mm hm.
"Where's your license?"
"I left it at home"
"Where's your keys for your house?"
She takes those out, and look at that. Just a house key. hm.
"So your mom is coming to pick you up?"
After I conclude that these girls are lying about being 19, I lean over to bruce and say, dude these girls can't even be 17 yet. He just shrugs and said "I heard 19, I'll just stick with that."
This is the douche part. He banged this girl the same day he met his long term girlfriend, and baby momma.
I'm jealous.
I can't say I wouldn't of done it. I know I would of, but I was being a faggoty little dectective and hating on females. I should be the one banging underage girls I meet at concerts.
I've been catching A.I.D.S every night for about two weeks now. Maybe I should relax, but I got a new hair cut, I gotta show it off.
Minimal Amount of Alcohol, Massive Amounts of Misconduct.
Some things in life are guaranteed. Death, cavities, let down, and getting absolutely shit faced on your twenty first birthday. If you don't wake up throwing up the next morning you did something wrong. I'm a big advocate of debauchery, as you can probably tell.
For awhile there any time some one would tell me they were turning twenty-one I would make it a point to make them take shots of whiskey with lime. The lime makes them always say yes, but it doesn't even matter, as there's only about a drop of lime in there for flavor. Who ever decided to first put Yukon Jack and lime juice (another one of my favorite things to pour into my face) is my hero.
Oddly enough, I had quit drinking for six months prior to my twenty-first to see if I could do it. If I really was a slave to the weekend, if I could overcome the want, and need to get shitty and bring the mother fucking raucous. Energy drinks were the bane of my existence through out this experience. I would go through four of these massive energy drinks and as you probably know, this is worse than drinking four forties of Steel Reserve. At least you'll pass out after and wake up feeling like shit, instead I would stay up till Ninja Turtles would come on, shaking in my bed from the sugar and caffeine. I might as well of been doing cocaine.
This story I'm about to tell has nothing to do with me turning 21. It just happens to be a day I'll remember for the rest of my life.
It's really easy to balance trying to see multiple girls when you're not drinking at all. You remember everything, you don't slip at the tongue, you can easily say that you're the designated driver and still go out. I know it seems impossible that I can't get laid with out alcohol, but it happens even more so get the fuck over it.
****(8:57:10 PM): yeah thnk god for booze some guys would have a harder time getting laid
Don't know if I should take that above statement as a personal attack or just a general hate for men. I'll go with the first. "harder time" - LOL
At the time of this I was seeing about five different girls. I had been single for almost a year and built up quite the smorgasbord of girls to lie to. A couple with boyfriends, which is my favorite. Just using one another because their boyfriends can't fuck correctly. If you're a guy and you're reading this, make damn sure that you make your girl have orgasms on a constant basis or she'll be out trying to with some one else. Scratch that, they'll be out regardless so don't even bother.
I'm sure you all have those people that you would hook up with randomly since you were a teenager. This one girl, was my favorite. I won't even give her a name. I've cheated on every girl I've dated with this girl. She's one of those girls that when you look at her all you can think of is sex. Every time her and one of the boyfriends she had would break up, I'd be right there. Rebound hero.
Around this time me and her were actually doing cute shit. I was trying to pick which one I could get away with cheating on the most and just generally being all around shitty too. This girl lost. (or won, you decide.)
On the morning of my twenty-first I drive a couple towns over to get breakfast with this one. It's the middle of June and it just started getting over 85* for the first time. I remember smiling to my self, knowing that I had lined up going to catalinas house after I left here. I wonder what kind of bullshit I could get away with today.
eeeeek.
The lying started early. It's roughly 10 A.M on a saturday. (yes, my 21'st fell on a saturday. You jealous?) Telling girl number one that I had to go eat lunch with my grandfather, so I could only stay for a little bit. We do the popular Friendly's breakfast. This restaurant fucking blows. The only thing worth eating there is the ice cream. It's owned by the same people who own Denny's. Didn't know that, did you?
Breakfast ends, I pay for it, because I'm such a gentleman. It's my birthday and I'm paying to take some one else out. I love women. Besides, $20 to get half a blow job and your cock shook isn't a bad deal. This girl loves to tease for some reason. The kind of tease that's cute for the first thirteen seconds, but after that it's like hurry up and put it in your face. This is never the case as the teasing must last forever because she needs to feel the power of a guy begging. Luckily, I know this game and have the perfect defense for it.
You just tell them to stop and start doing it to them. How do you like me now?
Skipping the "sex" story here. Nothing entertaining anyways. I remember this one pretty well though. The phone rings. catalina. The ability to lie that I have has come from years of experience.
"Who's that?" girl asks with a perturbed look.
"Oh, fuck, it's my grandfather! I must be late!" I flip open the phone. This crazy nextel piece of shit that has a button on it for lazy mother fuckers such as my self who can't be hastled with the regular flip. "Hi. am I late?"
"Hi, there. You still coming over for lunch?" catalina. Ugh. At this point we had been seeing one another for about three months. Yeah. I'll be there in an hour after I'm done hooking up with your friends.
I actually said "Oh. Yeah, that? Definitely. Be there in an hour." She says something to the effect of see you later, and hangs up. I continue talking to no one "Yeah. Gramps, I'll bring some beer. What do you want at the store? uh huh. uh huh. See ya in an hour."
scum bag.
Kiss, hug, gang sign on the way out. Start the drive back to vice central, or Leominster (the town I live in) for round two of the day. I pull into a my gym to use the bathroom. Gotta make sure there's no sparkles on me. This has been my downfall in the past. Have to make sure you don't smell like girl. This is why I keep a change of clothes in my car. I realize I probably smell like girl so I'll have to use my gym to shower at. Yes. this is why I have a gym membership. A place to shower and change with out ever having to even go home. Feel free to steal that cheating tip and use it in your perfect relationship you don't have.
*random* This is how I asked catalina out. "Will you be my bitch?"
I should get an award for being the most romantic asshole ever. Sadly, she said yes to this. Would you?
I show up to her house in gym shorts and a t-shirt. A far cry from what I was wearing this morning. At least this girl knows exactly why I'm here. We're not going out to eat. I'm coming over to have a mid day bang session. I think I might of been throwing the "I love you" around by this time. Once you say it, girls think it's true. Who would lie about something like that? You'd have to be a monster of a douche.
eeeeek.
Skipping more of the "sex" story. Nothing entertaining, again. It was good though. Just at the time when you're ready to do the ridiculous shit you wouldn't do with a one night stand in fear that they'll think you're a freak. I think we cuddled till about dinner time. By this time I'm getting a ridiculous amount of phone calls and texts saying happy birthday from people I didn't even really care about. I actually had even forgot it was my birthday for a little bit. I was afraid to drink, my liver was my friend for a minute. I was going to change this.
I didn't have to lie to her about what I was doing that night, It's hard to lie when you don't know the truth about what you're gonna do. I figured that two girls for the day was enough.
I'm skipping the amount of drinking that goes on here, as you probably know. Girls that walk around half naked with shot glasses? I've never seen this and I am intrigued. That's all you need to hear.
I end up going over (I have to be real delicate here, as I still talk to this girl) Blues house. Blue is for the color of her eyes. Piercing. I have blue eyes, but this girls should be ripped out of her head when she dies and put into a super models. I didn't figure I'd end up by the end of the night with my dick in her mouth.
I never thought that the by using a quote from a movie would actually work. "why don't we, uh, play just the tip. Just for a second. Just to see... how it feels."
She thinks I'm being serious.
I think I'm being funny.
It works out either way. She told me not to long ago that when she went upstairs she made out with some other dude upstairs for a little bit. I'm not to up to date on the time line of their make out, but I hope it wasn't anywhere near the time my dick went into her mouth to the end of the night.
eeeek.
We cuddle snugly and wake up in the morning. "Do you hate me, yet?" I ask her. She just shakes her head, no. At breakfast she sits on the other side of the table, about eight people down. She's pissed at her self. I can tell. Most girls are when they realized they hooked up with me the night before, and fell for the "Just the tip" line.
Told you the story had nothing to do with alcohol consumption.
I think I'm going to be done writing about my cheating stories, there are more, but I feel ending with a catalina sandwich on my birthday is just to much. How I got caught cheating, though, well, that's a different story. You can't get away with everything forever.
For awhile there any time some one would tell me they were turning twenty-one I would make it a point to make them take shots of whiskey with lime. The lime makes them always say yes, but it doesn't even matter, as there's only about a drop of lime in there for flavor. Who ever decided to first put Yukon Jack and lime juice (another one of my favorite things to pour into my face) is my hero.
Oddly enough, I had quit drinking for six months prior to my twenty-first to see if I could do it. If I really was a slave to the weekend, if I could overcome the want, and need to get shitty and bring the mother fucking raucous. Energy drinks were the bane of my existence through out this experience. I would go through four of these massive energy drinks and as you probably know, this is worse than drinking four forties of Steel Reserve. At least you'll pass out after and wake up feeling like shit, instead I would stay up till Ninja Turtles would come on, shaking in my bed from the sugar and caffeine. I might as well of been doing cocaine.
This story I'm about to tell has nothing to do with me turning 21. It just happens to be a day I'll remember for the rest of my life.
It's really easy to balance trying to see multiple girls when you're not drinking at all. You remember everything, you don't slip at the tongue, you can easily say that you're the designated driver and still go out. I know it seems impossible that I can't get laid with out alcohol, but it happens even more so get the fuck over it.
****(8:57:10 PM): yeah thnk god for booze some guys would have a harder time getting laid
Don't know if I should take that above statement as a personal attack or just a general hate for men. I'll go with the first. "harder time" - LOL
At the time of this I was seeing about five different girls. I had been single for almost a year and built up quite the smorgasbord of girls to lie to. A couple with boyfriends, which is my favorite. Just using one another because their boyfriends can't fuck correctly. If you're a guy and you're reading this, make damn sure that you make your girl have orgasms on a constant basis or she'll be out trying to with some one else. Scratch that, they'll be out regardless so don't even bother.
I'm sure you all have those people that you would hook up with randomly since you were a teenager. This one girl, was my favorite. I won't even give her a name. I've cheated on every girl I've dated with this girl. She's one of those girls that when you look at her all you can think of is sex. Every time her and one of the boyfriends she had would break up, I'd be right there. Rebound hero.
Around this time me and her were actually doing cute shit. I was trying to pick which one I could get away with cheating on the most and just generally being all around shitty too. This girl lost. (or won, you decide.)
On the morning of my twenty-first I drive a couple towns over to get breakfast with this one. It's the middle of June and it just started getting over 85* for the first time. I remember smiling to my self, knowing that I had lined up going to catalinas house after I left here. I wonder what kind of bullshit I could get away with today.
eeeeek.
The lying started early. It's roughly 10 A.M on a saturday. (yes, my 21'st fell on a saturday. You jealous?) Telling girl number one that I had to go eat lunch with my grandfather, so I could only stay for a little bit. We do the popular Friendly's breakfast. This restaurant fucking blows. The only thing worth eating there is the ice cream. It's owned by the same people who own Denny's. Didn't know that, did you?
Breakfast ends, I pay for it, because I'm such a gentleman. It's my birthday and I'm paying to take some one else out. I love women. Besides, $20 to get half a blow job and your cock shook isn't a bad deal. This girl loves to tease for some reason. The kind of tease that's cute for the first thirteen seconds, but after that it's like hurry up and put it in your face. This is never the case as the teasing must last forever because she needs to feel the power of a guy begging. Luckily, I know this game and have the perfect defense for it.
You just tell them to stop and start doing it to them. How do you like me now?
Skipping the "sex" story here. Nothing entertaining anyways. I remember this one pretty well though. The phone rings. catalina. The ability to lie that I have has come from years of experience.
"Who's that?" girl asks with a perturbed look.
"Oh, fuck, it's my grandfather! I must be late!" I flip open the phone. This crazy nextel piece of shit that has a button on it for lazy mother fuckers such as my self who can't be hastled with the regular flip. "Hi. am I late?"
"Hi, there. You still coming over for lunch?" catalina. Ugh. At this point we had been seeing one another for about three months. Yeah. I'll be there in an hour after I'm done hooking up with your friends.
I actually said "Oh. Yeah, that? Definitely. Be there in an hour." She says something to the effect of see you later, and hangs up. I continue talking to no one "Yeah. Gramps, I'll bring some beer. What do you want at the store? uh huh. uh huh. See ya in an hour."
scum bag.
Kiss, hug, gang sign on the way out. Start the drive back to vice central, or Leominster (the town I live in) for round two of the day. I pull into a my gym to use the bathroom. Gotta make sure there's no sparkles on me. This has been my downfall in the past. Have to make sure you don't smell like girl. This is why I keep a change of clothes in my car. I realize I probably smell like girl so I'll have to use my gym to shower at. Yes. this is why I have a gym membership. A place to shower and change with out ever having to even go home. Feel free to steal that cheating tip and use it in your perfect relationship you don't have.
*random* This is how I asked catalina out. "Will you be my bitch?"
I should get an award for being the most romantic asshole ever. Sadly, she said yes to this. Would you?
I show up to her house in gym shorts and a t-shirt. A far cry from what I was wearing this morning. At least this girl knows exactly why I'm here. We're not going out to eat. I'm coming over to have a mid day bang session. I think I might of been throwing the "I love you" around by this time. Once you say it, girls think it's true. Who would lie about something like that? You'd have to be a monster of a douche.
eeeeek.
Skipping more of the "sex" story. Nothing entertaining, again. It was good though. Just at the time when you're ready to do the ridiculous shit you wouldn't do with a one night stand in fear that they'll think you're a freak. I think we cuddled till about dinner time. By this time I'm getting a ridiculous amount of phone calls and texts saying happy birthday from people I didn't even really care about. I actually had even forgot it was my birthday for a little bit. I was afraid to drink, my liver was my friend for a minute. I was going to change this.
I didn't have to lie to her about what I was doing that night, It's hard to lie when you don't know the truth about what you're gonna do. I figured that two girls for the day was enough.
I'm skipping the amount of drinking that goes on here, as you probably know. Girls that walk around half naked with shot glasses? I've never seen this and I am intrigued. That's all you need to hear.
I end up going over (I have to be real delicate here, as I still talk to this girl) Blues house. Blue is for the color of her eyes. Piercing. I have blue eyes, but this girls should be ripped out of her head when she dies and put into a super models. I didn't figure I'd end up by the end of the night with my dick in her mouth.
I never thought that the by using a quote from a movie would actually work. "why don't we, uh, play just the tip. Just for a second. Just to see... how it feels."
She thinks I'm being serious.
I think I'm being funny.
It works out either way. She told me not to long ago that when she went upstairs she made out with some other dude upstairs for a little bit. I'm not to up to date on the time line of their make out, but I hope it wasn't anywhere near the time my dick went into her mouth to the end of the night.
eeeek.
We cuddle snugly and wake up in the morning. "Do you hate me, yet?" I ask her. She just shakes her head, no. At breakfast she sits on the other side of the table, about eight people down. She's pissed at her self. I can tell. Most girls are when they realized they hooked up with me the night before, and fell for the "Just the tip" line.
Told you the story had nothing to do with alcohol consumption.
I think I'm going to be done writing about my cheating stories, there are more, but I feel ending with a catalina sandwich on my birthday is just to much. How I got caught cheating, though, well, that's a different story. You can't get away with everything forever.
No one really cares. Except for you.
I like to eaves drop on other peoples conversations before I talk to them. Just listen to them for about five minutes with out paying any sort of attention to them and you can figure out all you really need to know about them to start with an opener to get them to find you interesting.
This is how I pick up women I don't know. It has nothing to do with looks, more as to how I can relate to this person and establish rapport in the first ninety seconds. It's a very easy way to do it, and luckily for me, The girls forget about looks and go to the "I think this guys interesting." route.
Sometimes this backfires on me. Like last night.
Me and Sir Willis are at the local watering hole doing our usual Sunday afternoon debauchery ritual. It's the typical Sunday night crowd. The people who do not give a fuck about having work on Monday, and the people who drink to get rid of hangovers. I fall into both of these categories. Then there's the girls who are drinking on a Sunday because they just broke up with their ex because he cheated on her.
This is the most pissed off woman I have ever met, in my entire life.
Turns out she had been eavesdropping on my conversation with Sir Willis about my adventures in cheat land. They heard pretty much every word I said and I had no idea. I mean, me and this kid are talking about some pretty douche-o-matic shit. The last blog came up about me leaving her passed out and banging some girl and acting like it wasn't even a big deal.
Roughly ten minutes later I start eavesdropping as I hear the words "All guys are fucking scumbags, they only want one thing and that's to just use us." I immediately want to know exactly what this girls talking about. She just starts going off "The smaller the dick, the bigger the ego."
Let me try to explain this girl. She was an amazon. Meaning, she was freakishly tall, and her shoulders were wider than mine. A blond Xena, Warrior Princess. Mid twenties and a bartender. Woo. A bartender. No wonder she dates scumbags. She probably picks them all up at her job. Being a bartender is a step below working at hooters in the flirt with guys for money aspect. And hooters in one step below the Otherside. (this is a very shitty, disgusting strip club in fitchburg)
I lean in "Hey! Blond girl!"
"What do you want?" I can already tell this is going to be great. She hates me and I haven't even said but three words to her.
"I overheard you saying something about how all guys are scumbags, do you mind telling me why you think this?"
She loses it. Just goes complete bat shit insane for five minutes. "I over heard your entire conversation and it's men like you that make me want to be a lesbian." I'm not gonna let this one go. I need to find out what happen to this girl.
"So, let me guess, you were dating a guy for about three years, you just broke up and now you hate men?"
She says no to this. She's lying. Like all girls do when you call them out on why they're acting like a teenager.
"Why did you engage me in conversation!?" She snaps her little fingers like a black drama queen would, and her voice gets a little higher.
"Because I've been wanting to sleep with you since you walked in the door." She loses it even more.
"Yeah. Right. You probably pick up girls at the other side and bang them. I hope you get herpes and your dick falls off!" I can't help but laugh my fucking ass off at this dumb bitch. There's eight people in the bar. No music, and she's just going off on me like I just gave her the HIV the day of our wedding.
"I don't think herpes makes your dick fall off. I think you've been misinformed." Sir Willis throws out there trying to hold a straight face.
"I meet guys like you who think they're hot shit every day." Mind, you I only asked her why she thought all guys were scummy. This girl has absolutely no idea who I am or what I do with my life. She just knows that I cheated on my exes and to her, I am the epitome of everything she despises.
Now while she's freaking out and the whole bar is paying attention to us. I know what she's trying to do. She's acting like a typical princess. Every one pay attention to me and what I have to say, and watch me try to ruin this kids night.
Luckily for me I have no feelings. It's going to take more then some random girl who has some vendetta against the male of the species because she's insecure because her boyfriend didn't want to fuck her anymore. Me and Sir Willis are just laughing out loud. Literally. Right in her face. The rest of the people in the bar start laughing at us laughing at her and she shuts the fuck up.
Then she throws this show-stopper at me "You talk to people like me to make your self feel bad!"
That is verbatim what she said. I wrote it down on the keno ticket I'm holding in my hand right now. Can any girl decipher this from Drunk-cunt talk to civilized upstanding woman for me? I'm having a hard time.
She can't handle that me and this kid are just laughing at her. She's trying so hard to say anything hurtful and we just laugh. Her friend is just sitting there looking really embarrassed. So we turn our attention to her when the blond girl gives up on her fruitless endeavour of trying to make people who don't give a fuck, give a fuck.
The friend tells us that her boyfriend had just cheated on her and she's not over it yet. Oh yeah? I couldn't tell. She seemed like she'll be alright. Pretty Pretty princess 0, Random douches 1.
See, she already lied within the second question I asked her. So I just lied to them about anything they asked. This is what I do, and why people call me a liar. If you lie to me, You don't deserve and honest answer out of me at all.
I could of just asked her if she wanted to fuck. She probably would of said yes. A lot of the times girls pretend to hate me and end up fucking me for some reason. Then dating me. Then hating me again.
It's a great cycle.
There was one girl there though, who came over to me after, we'll call her Glasses, as I don't really remember her name, asks me to go out and smoke a cigarette with her.
Sidebar: Cigarettes are the greatest opener for meeting people. It's a tool any con-artist can use to weasel his way into any conversation or situation.
We're out smoking the cigarette and I ask this question. Girls, watch out as this question is dangerous.
"Have you heard that you're a good kisser?" This makes them immediately think about kissing. It'll either go one of two ways. With in five minutes you'll be making out, or she'll be back inside next to her boyfriend. Typically it's the first scenario.
I'm not gonna lie, this girl wasn't anything spectacular but a make out session is a make out session and I am a kiss whore. I got to kiss two other girls this weekend. One for each day of the weekend. The first one, sloppy, no build up and it's like we went from standing around talking about Nerf footballs to trying to fuck one another. This does not make the Zoo happy. She had a boyfriend though, and that's not exactly something I'll ever pass up. You want to cheat on your boyfriend? Well, then, you found the perfect guy for that.
One of the girls kissed like the same way a snake would taste. (google that if you don't understand) This is really awkward for me so I have to grab her by the face and tell her to relax. I don't like other peoples tongues in my mouth when I've only known them for four minutes. She throws me up against a car and tells me to stop acting like a pussy. I tell her that I'm fragile and if she wants rough sex, she'll have to go inside and see Sir Willis.
She slapped me. Right in the face. Then jumped on me and started making out with me again. Putting her hands down my pants and it's only been a total of six minutes I've known this girl. I have to stop her as I'm trying not to fuck randoms all the time anymore. She asks me for my number, and I say I'll just see her out sometime.
Giving this crazed bitch my phone number would of been a disaster.
Is it just me, or does every girl who "blows fags" crazy as fuck? Every time I hook up with a girl who smokes cigarettes they end up being full blown insane. Maybe I should stay away from the crazy ones. Hm, But they make life so much more fun.
Just don't date them. Ever.
This is how I pick up women I don't know. It has nothing to do with looks, more as to how I can relate to this person and establish rapport in the first ninety seconds. It's a very easy way to do it, and luckily for me, The girls forget about looks and go to the "I think this guys interesting." route.
Sometimes this backfires on me. Like last night.
Me and Sir Willis are at the local watering hole doing our usual Sunday afternoon debauchery ritual. It's the typical Sunday night crowd. The people who do not give a fuck about having work on Monday, and the people who drink to get rid of hangovers. I fall into both of these categories. Then there's the girls who are drinking on a Sunday because they just broke up with their ex because he cheated on her.
This is the most pissed off woman I have ever met, in my entire life.
Turns out she had been eavesdropping on my conversation with Sir Willis about my adventures in cheat land. They heard pretty much every word I said and I had no idea. I mean, me and this kid are talking about some pretty douche-o-matic shit. The last blog came up about me leaving her passed out and banging some girl and acting like it wasn't even a big deal.
Roughly ten minutes later I start eavesdropping as I hear the words "All guys are fucking scumbags, they only want one thing and that's to just use us." I immediately want to know exactly what this girls talking about. She just starts going off "The smaller the dick, the bigger the ego."
Let me try to explain this girl. She was an amazon. Meaning, she was freakishly tall, and her shoulders were wider than mine. A blond Xena, Warrior Princess. Mid twenties and a bartender. Woo. A bartender. No wonder she dates scumbags. She probably picks them all up at her job. Being a bartender is a step below working at hooters in the flirt with guys for money aspect. And hooters in one step below the Otherside. (this is a very shitty, disgusting strip club in fitchburg)
I lean in "Hey! Blond girl!"
"What do you want?" I can already tell this is going to be great. She hates me and I haven't even said but three words to her.
"I overheard you saying something about how all guys are scumbags, do you mind telling me why you think this?"
She loses it. Just goes complete bat shit insane for five minutes. "I over heard your entire conversation and it's men like you that make me want to be a lesbian." I'm not gonna let this one go. I need to find out what happen to this girl.
"So, let me guess, you were dating a guy for about three years, you just broke up and now you hate men?"
She says no to this. She's lying. Like all girls do when you call them out on why they're acting like a teenager.
"Why did you engage me in conversation!?" She snaps her little fingers like a black drama queen would, and her voice gets a little higher.
"Because I've been wanting to sleep with you since you walked in the door." She loses it even more.
"Yeah. Right. You probably pick up girls at the other side and bang them. I hope you get herpes and your dick falls off!" I can't help but laugh my fucking ass off at this dumb bitch. There's eight people in the bar. No music, and she's just going off on me like I just gave her the HIV the day of our wedding.
"I don't think herpes makes your dick fall off. I think you've been misinformed." Sir Willis throws out there trying to hold a straight face.
"I meet guys like you who think they're hot shit every day." Mind, you I only asked her why she thought all guys were scummy. This girl has absolutely no idea who I am or what I do with my life. She just knows that I cheated on my exes and to her, I am the epitome of everything she despises.
Now while she's freaking out and the whole bar is paying attention to us. I know what she's trying to do. She's acting like a typical princess. Every one pay attention to me and what I have to say, and watch me try to ruin this kids night.
Luckily for me I have no feelings. It's going to take more then some random girl who has some vendetta against the male of the species because she's insecure because her boyfriend didn't want to fuck her anymore. Me and Sir Willis are just laughing out loud. Literally. Right in her face. The rest of the people in the bar start laughing at us laughing at her and she shuts the fuck up.
Then she throws this show-stopper at me "You talk to people like me to make your self feel bad!"
That is verbatim what she said. I wrote it down on the keno ticket I'm holding in my hand right now. Can any girl decipher this from Drunk-cunt talk to civilized upstanding woman for me? I'm having a hard time.
She can't handle that me and this kid are just laughing at her. She's trying so hard to say anything hurtful and we just laugh. Her friend is just sitting there looking really embarrassed. So we turn our attention to her when the blond girl gives up on her fruitless endeavour of trying to make people who don't give a fuck, give a fuck.
The friend tells us that her boyfriend had just cheated on her and she's not over it yet. Oh yeah? I couldn't tell. She seemed like she'll be alright. Pretty Pretty princess 0, Random douches 1.
See, she already lied within the second question I asked her. So I just lied to them about anything they asked. This is what I do, and why people call me a liar. If you lie to me, You don't deserve and honest answer out of me at all.
I could of just asked her if she wanted to fuck. She probably would of said yes. A lot of the times girls pretend to hate me and end up fucking me for some reason. Then dating me. Then hating me again.
It's a great cycle.
There was one girl there though, who came over to me after, we'll call her Glasses, as I don't really remember her name, asks me to go out and smoke a cigarette with her.
Sidebar: Cigarettes are the greatest opener for meeting people. It's a tool any con-artist can use to weasel his way into any conversation or situation.
We're out smoking the cigarette and I ask this question. Girls, watch out as this question is dangerous.
"Have you heard that you're a good kisser?" This makes them immediately think about kissing. It'll either go one of two ways. With in five minutes you'll be making out, or she'll be back inside next to her boyfriend. Typically it's the first scenario.
I'm not gonna lie, this girl wasn't anything spectacular but a make out session is a make out session and I am a kiss whore. I got to kiss two other girls this weekend. One for each day of the weekend. The first one, sloppy, no build up and it's like we went from standing around talking about Nerf footballs to trying to fuck one another. This does not make the Zoo happy. She had a boyfriend though, and that's not exactly something I'll ever pass up. You want to cheat on your boyfriend? Well, then, you found the perfect guy for that.
One of the girls kissed like the same way a snake would taste. (google that if you don't understand) This is really awkward for me so I have to grab her by the face and tell her to relax. I don't like other peoples tongues in my mouth when I've only known them for four minutes. She throws me up against a car and tells me to stop acting like a pussy. I tell her that I'm fragile and if she wants rough sex, she'll have to go inside and see Sir Willis.
She slapped me. Right in the face. Then jumped on me and started making out with me again. Putting her hands down my pants and it's only been a total of six minutes I've known this girl. I have to stop her as I'm trying not to fuck randoms all the time anymore. She asks me for my number, and I say I'll just see her out sometime.
Giving this crazed bitch my phone number would of been a disaster.
Is it just me, or does every girl who "blows fags" crazy as fuck? Every time I hook up with a girl who smokes cigarettes they end up being full blown insane. Maybe I should stay away from the crazy ones. Hm, But they make life so much more fun.
Just don't date them. Ever.
Rocket science is when scientists find out things about space.
 |
| Judge Judy Owns Stupid Blonde Bitch |
 |
| This girl just might be dumb enough to believe that I was the baby on the Nirvana album cover. If I see her tonight I'm gonna try and swing a tablecloth blowjob. |
This is pretty much the girls I date in a nutshell.
It's not cheating if you don't get caught
I want you to sit and think for a second. Am I really that much of a douche bag for being a cheater? Are you just being a hypocrite? Chances are you've cheated on whoever you've been with at least once. Thought about it? If you say no to that you're a liar.(big surprise, a human liar?) It's in our nature to want to fuck other people at all times. Don't fight it.
There are some people out there who haven't cheated on their significant other, and I applaud you. However, this applause will only last a few seconds from me as you need to realize you wish you could cheat, but you're to much of a pussy and you're just passing up on memories and probably some STD's you wish you would of had. It's a sad state of affairs but there's not to much you can do about it.
I had a conversation with a girl yesterday who told me I would end up cold, alone and bitter. I told her not to fret, as I am already alone,(on the weekdays) cold, and very bitter.
Maybe I should stop talking about my cheating adventures, but they're entirely way to hilarious as my very close friends already know. They get to hear these stories the day after. They ask me "How can you cheat on some one and be perfectly fine like nothing happened the next day?"
It's that detachment thing I was talking about. Placing feelings on the back burner and just riding with it. Not giving a fuck about any thing else but your own perpetual happiness and furthering a personal agenda. At some points in time I reflect on what I've done to the girls I've dated and almost feel bad. Then it just pops into my mind that they did all the same shit I did to them and I feel alright inside. This, my friends, is how I get through the day.
We all make mistakes, but when you know you're going to make a mistake, was it really a mistake at all?
You ever just want to go fuck something else after a really terrible night with the person you're supposed to be with?
Me? Of course.
The party that sticks out the most from my past is something known as "The Q". Epic name, I know. This is where there would be several kegs, a hundred people and debauchery around every corner. At the closing of one of these nights, catalina decides to get get so hammered that she makes a fool out of her self, falling all over the place, throwing up, trying to bang my friends in her car while she thinks I'm not paying attention. When I see this I go into detachment mode. This is the cheaters best weapon.
She passes out in my bed from a little to much alcohol. I'm having a great time picking up her puke in my bathroom. It's not like I didn't have enough to clean up. I get a phone call from a girl I had been seeing on the side for a little bit around her usual time. Drunk o'clock is what she would call it.(cliche) I'm sitting there cleaning up my passed out girlfriends puke and thinking to my self. Is this girl really worth not cheating on? Is she perfect to me? Does she allow me to be myself and support me in anything I want to pursue?
You all know the answers to those.
This girl, we'll call her Rebel, calls me up and asks me to go to my bosses house at the time with her because she's bored and everyone left. She picks me up and this girl is absolutely blitzed. This is Rebels usual way of going about hanging out with me. I leave catalina passed out in my bed with a bucket next to her and a note that says "Went to dunkins to get you a bagel." She's so wasted that she can't even move, let alone read. This means I'm in the clear. She'll time travel from when she went to bed to the morning and have absolutely no idea where I was.
classy, Bazucki. Real fucking classy.
On the ride back to my bosses with Rebel, she let's me know that her ex boyfriend is still at the house. Just sitting on the other couch and watching TV. I guess this dudes a wicked big creep and won't leave her alone. I gotcha. You want me to come over so he can see you with another dude and leave you alone. I'll play this game. Any game that I call the shots in is a game worth playing.
We walk in, and sure enough, there he is. Watching sports center or something equivalent. I shake his hand, introduce my self and sit right next to his ex girlfriend. It takes a total of about ten minutes before this kid catches onto what's happening. Rebel is wearing a skirt and starts using my hand as her own personal fuck toy under a blanket. This girl oozes sexuality and there's absolutely no way her ex didn't notice what was going on. I'm not one to feel awkward, but when some girl is using me as a toy with her ex sitting on the other couch in the same room I feel awesome.
This goes on for several minutes. As every moment progresses she starts not giving a fuck about hiding what's going on. My eyes meet with her ex for a split second and I see a tear. A single lone tear and my heart drops to my stomach. How could I do this to this poor kid?
Just kidding, I didn't give a fuck. She's the one pulling the bullshit. Not me.
I figure he's gonna get up and beat the shit out of me. I know I would knock me out, out of frustration. But all he does is get up and walk out of the room. Leaves with slamming the door and I look at her and she starts laughing. Wow. This girl is awesome. She's like female version of me.
I'm going to skip all the porn details. No one wants to hear about that anyways, or do you?
We end up on the bathroom floor in my bosses house while he's asleep. After everything is all said and done, we go back into the living room to snuggle up a bit. It's almost 3 A.M, I have to get going back to my house. catalina had no idea I had left with Rebel, and Rebel had no idea I had my girlfriend there. It's to easy sometimes.
We stop by the dunkin donuts on the way home. I get that bagel in the note. I don't want to seem like a liar if she had awaken.
I get back to my house and she's still in the same position I left her in, curled up in a ball with one arm hanging off the side of the bed and snoring. I sigh, and take my clothes off for the second time in the night. Crawl into bed and bang her while she's asleep. This is the only way I can get laid.
just kidding. But I know you wished that was true.
The next morning she wakes up, I give her a kiss on the forehead and tell her I love her. This is probably one of the most douchefaggoty things I've ever done in my life. But, when the relationship was over with catalina I couldn't help but smile about this one.
Why? Because after you break up with some one they like to tell you the most hurtful shit they can come up with. If they're not witty or in any way, shape, or form intelligent they just come up with things about your dick size, or how they cheated on you.(I just made fun of my self)
Thanks for telling me you cheated on me, after they caught me cheating on them once.
That'll teach me to never do it again, or does it just make me feel justified in the things I've done?
I'll let the comment warriors figure it out.
There are some people out there who haven't cheated on their significant other, and I applaud you. However, this applause will only last a few seconds from me as you need to realize you wish you could cheat, but you're to much of a pussy and you're just passing up on memories and probably some STD's you wish you would of had. It's a sad state of affairs but there's not to much you can do about it.
I had a conversation with a girl yesterday who told me I would end up cold, alone and bitter. I told her not to fret, as I am already alone,(on the weekdays) cold, and very bitter.
Maybe I should stop talking about my cheating adventures, but they're entirely way to hilarious as my very close friends already know. They get to hear these stories the day after. They ask me "How can you cheat on some one and be perfectly fine like nothing happened the next day?"
It's that detachment thing I was talking about. Placing feelings on the back burner and just riding with it. Not giving a fuck about any thing else but your own perpetual happiness and furthering a personal agenda. At some points in time I reflect on what I've done to the girls I've dated and almost feel bad. Then it just pops into my mind that they did all the same shit I did to them and I feel alright inside. This, my friends, is how I get through the day.
We all make mistakes, but when you know you're going to make a mistake, was it really a mistake at all?
You ever just want to go fuck something else after a really terrible night with the person you're supposed to be with?
Me? Of course.
The party that sticks out the most from my past is something known as "The Q". Epic name, I know. This is where there would be several kegs, a hundred people and debauchery around every corner. At the closing of one of these nights, catalina decides to get get so hammered that she makes a fool out of her self, falling all over the place, throwing up, trying to bang my friends in her car while she thinks I'm not paying attention. When I see this I go into detachment mode. This is the cheaters best weapon.
She passes out in my bed from a little to much alcohol. I'm having a great time picking up her puke in my bathroom. It's not like I didn't have enough to clean up. I get a phone call from a girl I had been seeing on the side for a little bit around her usual time. Drunk o'clock is what she would call it.(cliche) I'm sitting there cleaning up my passed out girlfriends puke and thinking to my self. Is this girl really worth not cheating on? Is she perfect to me? Does she allow me to be myself and support me in anything I want to pursue?
You all know the answers to those.
This girl, we'll call her Rebel, calls me up and asks me to go to my bosses house at the time with her because she's bored and everyone left. She picks me up and this girl is absolutely blitzed. This is Rebels usual way of going about hanging out with me. I leave catalina passed out in my bed with a bucket next to her and a note that says "Went to dunkins to get you a bagel." She's so wasted that she can't even move, let alone read. This means I'm in the clear. She'll time travel from when she went to bed to the morning and have absolutely no idea where I was.
classy, Bazucki. Real fucking classy.
On the ride back to my bosses with Rebel, she let's me know that her ex boyfriend is still at the house. Just sitting on the other couch and watching TV. I guess this dudes a wicked big creep and won't leave her alone. I gotcha. You want me to come over so he can see you with another dude and leave you alone. I'll play this game. Any game that I call the shots in is a game worth playing.
We walk in, and sure enough, there he is. Watching sports center or something equivalent. I shake his hand, introduce my self and sit right next to his ex girlfriend. It takes a total of about ten minutes before this kid catches onto what's happening. Rebel is wearing a skirt and starts using my hand as her own personal fuck toy under a blanket. This girl oozes sexuality and there's absolutely no way her ex didn't notice what was going on. I'm not one to feel awkward, but when some girl is using me as a toy with her ex sitting on the other couch in the same room I feel awesome.
This goes on for several minutes. As every moment progresses she starts not giving a fuck about hiding what's going on. My eyes meet with her ex for a split second and I see a tear. A single lone tear and my heart drops to my stomach. How could I do this to this poor kid?
Just kidding, I didn't give a fuck. She's the one pulling the bullshit. Not me.
I figure he's gonna get up and beat the shit out of me. I know I would knock me out, out of frustration. But all he does is get up and walk out of the room. Leaves with slamming the door and I look at her and she starts laughing. Wow. This girl is awesome. She's like female version of me.
I'm going to skip all the porn details. No one wants to hear about that anyways, or do you?
We end up on the bathroom floor in my bosses house while he's asleep. After everything is all said and done, we go back into the living room to snuggle up a bit. It's almost 3 A.M, I have to get going back to my house. catalina had no idea I had left with Rebel, and Rebel had no idea I had my girlfriend there. It's to easy sometimes.
We stop by the dunkin donuts on the way home. I get that bagel in the note. I don't want to seem like a liar if she had awaken.
I get back to my house and she's still in the same position I left her in, curled up in a ball with one arm hanging off the side of the bed and snoring. I sigh, and take my clothes off for the second time in the night. Crawl into bed and bang her while she's asleep. This is the only way I can get laid.
just kidding. But I know you wished that was true.
The next morning she wakes up, I give her a kiss on the forehead and tell her I love her. This is probably one of the most douchefaggoty things I've ever done in my life. But, when the relationship was over with catalina I couldn't help but smile about this one.
Why? Because after you break up with some one they like to tell you the most hurtful shit they can come up with. If they're not witty or in any way, shape, or form intelligent they just come up with things about your dick size, or how they cheated on you.(I just made fun of my self)
Thanks for telling me you cheated on me, after they caught me cheating on them once.
That'll teach me to never do it again, or does it just make me feel justified in the things I've done?
I'll let the comment warriors figure it out.
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