No one really cares. Except for you.

I like to eaves drop on other peoples conversations before I talk to them. Just listen to them for about five minutes with out paying any sort of attention to them and you can figure out all you really need to know about them to start with an opener to get them to find you interesting.

This is how I pick up women I don't know. It has nothing to do with looks, more as to how I can relate to this person and establish rapport in the first ninety seconds. It's a very easy way to do it, and luckily for me, The girls forget about looks and go to the "I think this guys interesting." route.

Sometimes this backfires on me. Like last night.


Me and Sir Willis are at the local watering hole doing our usual Sunday afternoon debauchery ritual. It's the typical Sunday night crowd. The people who do not give a fuck about having work on Monday, and the people who drink to get rid of hangovers. I fall into both of these categories. Then there's the girls who are drinking on a Sunday because they just broke up with their ex because he cheated on her.

This is the most pissed off woman I have ever met, in my entire life.

Turns out she had been eavesdropping on my conversation with Sir Willis about my adventures in cheat land. They heard pretty much every word I said and I had no idea. I mean, me and this kid are talking about some pretty douche-o-matic shit. The last blog came up about me leaving her passed out and banging some girl and acting like it wasn't even a big deal.

Roughly ten minutes later I start eavesdropping as I hear the words "All guys are fucking scumbags, they only want one thing and that's to just use us." I immediately want to know exactly what this girls talking about. She just starts going off "The smaller the dick, the bigger the ego."

Let me try to explain this girl. She was an amazon. Meaning, she was freakishly tall, and her shoulders were wider than mine. A blond Xena, Warrior Princess. Mid twenties and a bartender. Woo. A bartender. No wonder she dates scumbags. She probably picks them all up at her job. Being a bartender is a step below working at hooters in the flirt with guys for money aspect. And hooters in one step below the Otherside. (this is a very shitty, disgusting strip club in fitchburg)

I lean in "Hey! Blond girl!"

"What do you want?" I can already tell this is going to be great. She hates me and I haven't even said but three words to her.

"I overheard you saying something about how all guys are scumbags, do you mind telling me why you think this?"

She loses it. Just goes complete bat shit insane for five minutes. "I over heard your entire conversation and it's men like you that make me want to be a lesbian." I'm not gonna let this one go. I need to find out what happen to this girl.

"So, let me guess, you were dating a guy for about three years, you just broke up and now you hate men?"

She says no to this. She's lying. Like all girls do when you call them out on why they're acting like a teenager.

"Why did you engage me in conversation!?" She snaps her little fingers like a black drama queen would, and her voice gets a little higher.

"Because I've been wanting to sleep with you since you walked in the door." She loses it even more.

"Yeah. Right. You probably pick up girls at the other side and bang them. I hope you get herpes and your dick falls off!" I can't help but laugh my fucking ass off at this dumb bitch. There's eight people in the bar. No music, and she's just going off on me like I just gave her the HIV the day of our wedding.

"I don't think herpes makes your dick fall off. I think you've been misinformed." Sir Willis throws out there trying to hold a straight face.

"I meet guys like you who think they're hot shit every day." Mind, you I only asked her why she thought all guys were scummy. This girl has absolutely no idea who I am or what I do with my life. She just knows that I cheated on my exes and to her, I am the epitome of everything she despises.

Now while she's freaking out and the whole bar is paying attention to us. I know what she's trying to do. She's acting like a typical princess. Every one pay attention to me and what I have to say, and watch me try to ruin this kids night.

Luckily for me I have no feelings. It's going to take more then some random girl who has some vendetta against the male of the species because she's insecure because her boyfriend didn't want to fuck her anymore. Me and Sir Willis are just laughing out loud. Literally. Right in her face. The rest of the people in the bar start laughing at us laughing at her and she shuts the fuck up.

Then she throws this show-stopper at me "You talk to people like me to make your self feel bad!"


That is verbatim what she said. I wrote it down on the keno ticket I'm holding in my hand right now. Can any girl decipher this from Drunk-cunt talk to civilized upstanding woman for me? I'm having a hard time.

She can't handle that me and this kid are just laughing at her. She's trying so hard to say anything hurtful and we just laugh. Her friend is just sitting there looking really embarrassed. So we turn our attention to her when the blond girl gives up on her fruitless endeavour of trying to make people who don't give a fuck, give a fuck.

The friend tells us that her boyfriend had just cheated on her and she's not over it yet. Oh yeah? I couldn't tell. She seemed like she'll be alright. Pretty Pretty princess 0, Random douches 1.

See, she already lied within the second question I asked her. So I just lied to them about anything they asked. This is what I do, and why people call me a liar. If you lie to me, You don't deserve and honest answer out of me at all.

I could of just asked her if she wanted to fuck. She probably would of said yes. A lot of the times girls pretend to hate me and end up fucking me for some reason. Then dating me. Then hating me again.

It's a great cycle.

There was one girl there though, who came over to me after, we'll call her Glasses, as I don't really remember her name, asks me to go out and smoke a cigarette with her.

Sidebar: Cigarettes are the greatest opener for meeting people. It's a tool any con-artist can use to weasel his way into any conversation or situation.

We're out smoking the cigarette and I ask this question. Girls, watch out as this question is dangerous.

"Have you heard that you're a good kisser?" This makes them immediately think about kissing. It'll either go one of two ways. With in five minutes you'll be making out, or she'll be back inside next to her boyfriend. Typically it's the first scenario.

I'm not gonna lie, this girl wasn't anything spectacular but a make out session is a make out session and I am a kiss whore. I got to kiss two other girls this weekend. One for each day of the weekend. The first one, sloppy, no build up and it's like we went from standing around talking about Nerf footballs to trying to fuck one another. This does not make the Zoo happy. She had a boyfriend though, and that's not exactly something I'll ever pass up. You want to cheat on your boyfriend? Well, then, you found the perfect guy for that.

One of the girls kissed like the same way a snake would taste. (google that if you don't understand) This is really awkward for me so I have to grab her by the face and tell her to relax. I don't like other peoples tongues in my mouth when I've only known them for four minutes. She throws me up against a car and tells me to stop acting like a pussy. I tell her that I'm fragile and if she wants rough sex, she'll have to go inside and see Sir Willis.

She slapped me. Right in the face. Then jumped on me and started making out with me again. Putting her hands down my pants and it's only been a total of six minutes I've known this girl. I have to stop her as I'm trying not to fuck randoms all the time anymore. She asks me for my number, and I say I'll just see her out sometime.


Giving this crazed bitch my phone number would of been a disaster.

Is it just me, or does every girl who "blows fags" crazy as fuck? Every time I hook up with a girl who smokes cigarettes they end up being full blown insane. Maybe I should stay away from the crazy ones. Hm, But they make life so much more fun.

Just don't date them. Ever.