It's not cheating if you don't get caught

I want you to sit and think for a second. Am I really that much of a douche bag for being a cheater? Are you just being a hypocrite? Chances are you've cheated on whoever you've been with at least once. Thought about it? If you say no to that you're a liar.(big surprise, a human liar?) It's in our nature to want to fuck other people at all times. Don't fight it.

There are some people out there who haven't cheated on their significant other, and I applaud you. However, this applause will only last a few seconds from me as you need to realize you wish you could cheat, but you're to much of a pussy and you're just passing up on memories and probably some STD's you wish you would of had. It's a sad state of affairs but there's not to much you can do about it.

I had a conversation with a girl yesterday who told me I would end up cold, alone and bitter. I told her not to fret, as I am already alone,(on the weekdays) cold, and very bitter.

Maybe I should stop talking about my cheating adventures, but they're entirely way to hilarious as my very close friends already know. They get to hear these stories the day after. They ask me "How can you cheat on some one and be perfectly fine like nothing happened the next day?"

It's that detachment thing I was talking about. Placing feelings on the back burner and just riding with it. Not giving a fuck about any thing else but your own perpetual happiness and furthering a personal agenda. At some points in time I reflect on what I've done to the girls I've dated and almost feel bad. Then it just pops into my mind that they did all the same shit I did to them and I feel alright inside. This, my friends, is how I get through the day.

We all make mistakes, but when you know you're going to make a mistake, was it really a mistake at all?

You ever just want to go fuck something else after a really terrible night with the person you're supposed to be with?

Me? Of course.

The party that sticks out the most from my past is something known as "The Q". Epic name, I know. This is where there would be several kegs, a hundred people and debauchery around every corner. At the closing of one of these nights, catalina decides to get get so hammered that she makes a fool out of her self, falling all over the place, throwing up, trying to bang my friends in her car while she thinks I'm not paying attention. When I see this I go into detachment mode. This is the cheaters best weapon.

She passes out in my bed from a little to much alcohol. I'm having a great time picking up her puke in my bathroom. It's not like I didn't have enough to clean up. I get a phone call from a girl I had been seeing on the side for a little bit around her usual time. Drunk o'clock is what she would call it.(cliche) I'm sitting there cleaning up my passed out girlfriends puke and thinking to my self. Is this girl really worth not cheating on? Is she perfect to me? Does she allow me to be myself and support me in anything I want to pursue?

You all know the answers to those.

This girl, we'll call her Rebel, calls me up and asks me to go to my bosses house at the time with her because she's bored and everyone left. She picks me up and this girl is absolutely blitzed. This is Rebels usual way of going about hanging out with me. I leave catalina passed out in my bed with a bucket next to her and a note that says "Went to dunkins to get you a bagel." She's so wasted that she can't even move, let alone read. This means I'm in the clear. She'll time travel from when she went to bed to the morning and have absolutely no idea where I was.

classy, Bazucki. Real fucking classy.

On the ride back to my bosses with Rebel, she let's me know that her ex boyfriend is still at the house. Just sitting on the other couch and watching TV. I guess this dudes a wicked big creep and won't leave her alone. I gotcha. You want me to come over so he can see you with another dude and leave you alone. I'll play this game. Any game that I call the shots in is a game worth playing.

We walk in, and sure enough, there he is. Watching sports center or something equivalent. I shake his hand, introduce my self and sit right next to his ex girlfriend. It takes a total of about ten minutes before this kid catches onto what's happening. Rebel is wearing a skirt and starts using my hand as her own personal fuck toy under a blanket. This girl oozes sexuality and there's absolutely no way her ex didn't notice what was going on. I'm not one to feel awkward, but when some girl is using me as a toy with her ex sitting on the other couch in the same room I feel awesome.

This goes on for several minutes. As every moment progresses she starts not giving a fuck about hiding what's going on. My eyes meet with her ex for a split second and I see a tear. A single lone tear and my heart drops to my stomach. How could I do this to this poor kid?

Just kidding, I didn't give a fuck. She's the one pulling the bullshit. Not me.

I figure he's gonna get up and beat the shit out of me. I know I would knock me out, out of frustration. But all he does is get up and walk out of the room. Leaves with slamming the door and I look at her and she starts laughing. Wow. This girl is awesome. She's like female version of me.

I'm going to skip all the porn details. No one wants to hear about that anyways, or do you?

We end up on the bathroom floor in my bosses house while he's asleep. After everything is all said and done, we go back into the living room to snuggle up a bit. It's almost 3 A.M, I have to get going back to my house. catalina had no idea I had left with Rebel, and Rebel had no idea I had my girlfriend there. It's to easy sometimes.

We stop by the dunkin donuts on the way home. I get that bagel in the note. I don't want to seem like a liar if she had awaken.

I get back to my house and she's still in the same position I left her in, curled up in a ball with one arm hanging off the side of the bed and snoring. I sigh, and take my clothes off for the second time in the night. Crawl into bed and bang her while she's asleep. This is the only way I can get laid.


just kidding. But I know you wished that was true.


The next morning she wakes up, I give her a kiss on the forehead and tell her I love her. This is probably one of the most douchefaggoty things I've ever done in my life. But, when the relationship was over with catalina I couldn't help but smile about this one.

Why? Because after you break up with some one they like to tell you the most hurtful shit they can come up with. If they're not witty or in any way, shape, or form intelligent they just come up with things about your dick size, or how they cheated on you.(I just made fun of my self)

Thanks for telling me you cheated on me, after they caught me cheating on them once.

That'll teach me to never do it again, or does it just make me feel justified in the things I've done?

I'll let the comment warriors figure it out.