Operation BeatBox (vulgar as fuck)

The comment about my dick from some random person on the Internet really got me thinking. Is it that I have a small dick? Or is it just that some of the girls I have hooked up with have the ability to sail a large battleship in there with out ever making contact with a wall? Probably both. Not a very good combination. Like I said in an earlier post, I've hooked up with a lot of girls who have had boyfriends. This means that they're having sex on a regular basis with whoever they're with. You know how upsetting it is to be right at the "gates of heaven" and never make it anywhere close to feeling pleasure.

How much does that suck for them? Cheating on their boyfriend and it being unsatisfying. Well, except for the foreplay. That's the best part of sex anyways. It really is all about getting the other person off, and last time I checked that's all any one I've ever met has cared about in the sheets.

Unless you're just one of those girls who lays on her back and let's a guy nail her. Barely moving, not making nearly enough noise, with your eyes closed. (boring.) It's really hard to find what a girl likes and dislikes when they don't make any effort to let you know.

Bazucki sex tip - Always let a man know when you like something. If you don't, we will completely forget it rocked your world and you'll be the one missing out.


Operation BeatBox.

Oh, god, not another cheating on catalina story. How many times could I possibly of cheated on some one and got away with it for so long? I'm dishonest as fuck, and don't give a shit about any one elses feelings but my own, That's how. Not to mention, I'm just really good at detaching feelings for anyone from second to second. That's a skill to have, not a problem.

I've been wanting to nail this girl BeatBox (we'll call her that for obvious reasons later) ever since she punched me in the face at a party. Bitch had a mean right cross. I think that's where our lust for one another began.

Romantic, I know.

Most of the time, I will tell a girl I have a significant other after a make out session or romp. But this one? Fuck that. She was way to hot and seemed to have a decent amount of morals. "seemed". Remember that. Brunette, hazel eyes and eye lashes that were so perfectly done I just wanted to smear my love juice all across them. There's something about long legs on a girl that just makes me go ballistic.

Eyes are the most fundamental part of some ones beauty. You spend almost your entire time looking at them. If you don't find them attractive, the body better be stellar.

I run across her on myspace, which is the biggest creep center ever, next to facebook. A simple "let's go get some Mexican food tonight" was all it took. catalina would always wonder why I wouldn't change it from single. The lie "Because that's so cliche to have on myspace. Our relationship is real and there's no need to make it known for other people" was enough to make her stop asking. Retard. At the time I had made my own schedule for work. It's really easy to lie about where you are when the other person has no idea where you're going anyways. I get a photo message on my phone, it's BeatBox in her underwear with one of those sexy winking posing faces.

I love technology. Imagine trying to cheat on y our girlfriend a hundred years ago? You'd have to send a for a scribe and a runner to send her a message. That's two too many people that would know.


I end up going over her house later that night looking fly as a mo' fucka`, dressed to impress and condom in reserve. It's only about five in the afternoon, and our reservations aren't till nine. I walk up to the door, ring the doorbell and she answers the door in a towel. Not just any towel, it was like a hand towel. I figured I just showed up to early, and not that she was doing it because she knows answering the door half naked gets any man "sprung". This house, is absolutely amazing. The kind of house where you know the person who owns it is a douche bag. Pillars in the hallways with little knick-knacks and Persian cat sculptures on them. Oh. Yes. It's her dads house. But "don't worry, he won't be home tonight..."

Sure.

Nothing sexier than a girl walking around her dads house in a towel asking me if I wanted anything to drink. Turns out her dad has a fully stocked bar in the living room. Flat screens and a pool table. Everything from whiskey to Godiva liqueur, Pabst to some random imported Asian beers. I'm on cloud 9 in this room.

Mind you, this girl is still in a towel and she makes me the most devastating Mai Thai like concoction I've ever had in my life. It tasted like sex. I smile to my self and think "You sir, have hit the cheaters jackpot." She goes and puts some real clothes on. I know -insert sad face here- That's alright though. She was kind of like a hipster type broad who loved things like smoking pot and the Grateful Dead and slam poetry.

Where the fuck do I find these girls?

Nothing really to intense happens, except for the amount of drinking this girl is making me do. She really is putting me to shame. If she drinks me under the table, I might have to just kill my self. Everything goes into our systems, whiskey, sake, beers, and for no good reason at all, a couple of cape codders.

We shoot the shit for awhile, not really being too overly flirty, but doing the, well, I can't just fuck you straight up with out at least knowing if you're fucking weird or not routine. The things I'm not used to are, waking up and not feeling hungover, home cooked meals, and girls trying to sleep with me.

I better get used to that last one. At least for tonight.

Fast forward to dinner. We go to a local Mexican restaurant, I'll actually just say the name of it. It's called Ixtapa and if you get the chance to go to this place, order any Margarita. The guy behind the bar makes the drinks so incredibly strong that for thirty bucks, you'll end up getting a DUI and killing the only family of five out on the road at 3 A.M.

Now dinner is a shit show. We're both wasted and being that creepy couple all over one another sitting on the same side of the booth. I fucking hate public displays of affection. (PDA) it's disgusting to me. But, like the hypocrite I am, I love watching porn. Maybe it's just that the people who are in the porn I watch are actually attractive. Most of the people doing PDA are usually the same people who watch Jerry Springer together on a date. Think about it. Whens the last time you saw an attractive couple just basically fucking one another in a Olive Garden?

Luckily for me I had several hundreds of dollars to use for whatever the fuck I pleased in my pocket. As every one knows, all women love money. You flash a little green and they think they won the lottery. Instead, you just won your self a story in my blog.

This is where I start the romantic bullshit. While we're leaving it's drizzling a little bit, wind blowing, but it's warm. I grab her and and spin her around and we make out in the rain all The notebook style. We don't even make it half way home before she's trying to give me road head. Don't get me wrong, I loves me some head, but I hate it when I'm trying to drive stick through downtown. I make this point known and she tells me she has a secret skill. Hm. Being a whore just wasn't enough for this one. She could shift and suck knobs at the same time.

Yup. I'm in love. For tonight.

I think every man who's decently attractive or has had a serious girlfriend of over a week has gotten road head. So we can all relate to something here. You never, ever let the girl allow you blow your load because you'll end up with a mess in your car somewhere. I won't trust a girl who tells me that she'll swallow it. Blame that one on catalina. She told me once she could swallow it all, but after three days of not getting to get off and receiving road head on the way back from an amusement park out of pity because she "got sick" after I spent close to $140 dollars for the day and we were there for total of one ride. I think she got probably half of it in her mouth
and most of it on my pants. Sadly, that's probably the smartest thing that's ever came out of her mouth.

I can't wait to get BeatBox upstairs and do the deed. But I have this odd thing where I need to go down on a girl who's blown me. It only seems right, and besides, it means I get to check for STD's and how many inches in diameter the gape is. I rock this girls world because all women respond the same way to everything. Also having thousands of hours of face in crotch time with any girl I've ever dated let's you pick up some tips.

The g-spot does exist.

The only problem I could see here was that this girls vajeen was massive. Like absolutely huge. What does she do? Fuck her self with bowling pins? Forties? Fisting? Most of these all fascinate me when they're on the Internet. But when I meet a girl who can actually do that and I'm the one who's supposed to get in it. It's kind of a turn off.

Uh oh, I'm not going to want to bang her. I'll tell you right now, most girls who are mildly attractive do not like when a goofy fuck says that he doesn't want to fuck them. I tell her this lie. "Well, I really like you and I don't want to ruin it with sex." ROFL.

She starts begging. Slight turn on.

I don't even remember what she said, something to the extent of that she'll make it worth my while. I contemplate this. Thinking that some how this will lead to anal sex and maybe some sort of pleasure for me and my, average dick. I still don't give in because I'm having a good time watching this attractive broad trying to talk me into fucking her. Trying to be seductive, and failing miserably. Most attractive women have no idea on how to turn a man on, as they never have to try.

After I make her have one of those earth shaking orgasms she's probably have a thousand of with a hundred men. It happens. *knock knock*

Fuck.

Turns out that daddy doesn't give a fuck. He just peeks his head in and sees her on the bed convulsing and me on my knees with this deer-in-headlights look

"Hi, sir."

Picture this. You're a father. What would you do? I'd personally grab me and throw me out of the window. Not him. He invites us down for drinks and just walks out. This creeps me out infinitely more than anything else. This means he has time to load a weapon. Luckily for me I told BeatBox I had to go pick up my friend at work, Who was that friend? catalina? Where was she? My house.

I'm actually pretty excited to get the fuck out of this house with the creepy dad and the blown out girl. She tries one more time to salvage the night. She asks me to get dinner with her and her Dad the next day.

Oh, turning what other people think are going to be relationships into one night stands are exactly what I'm good at. Social engineering has no practical application? pft.

I think that I can just walk out and go on my merry way. This is not the case. Daddy is sitting there, looking at the bottles of booze and peers up at me. "What do you want to drink more of?"
Uh. oh. I'm going to get stabbed. Didn't she tell me he wasn't going to be home. Now, I'm like 22 at the time and I'm a full grown adult, but this man, this man right here, scares me half to death.
It's not his grandeur size, it's the way he presents him self. Kind of like the character from American Psycho.

He's dressed in the I just got off a business trip attire. You know, half buttoned up shirt and a blazer. No tie. Like what the male models look like in the end of GQ magazine. I hope he's not trying to fuck me too. He pours me a Jameson on the rocks after I act like a bitch while I order it.

"So, are you going to date my daughter."

"Well, tonight was our first date, but I'd love to see where it goes."

"You know she has a boyfriend, right?"

"That's alright. I have a girlfriend."

He just shakes his head and tells me good night. I drink my Jameson on the rocks like a shot and move towards the door. She's in the bathroom. Perfect getaway time. I think to my self on the way out "Boyfriend? She must be fucking King Kong on a regular basis."

I show up at my house smelling of booze and random girl snatch on my breath. You always have to take a shower after you cheat. It gets any smells off. *note* If you have a girl or guy sleep over while you're cheating, wash the sheets and pillow cases. Girls have this fine way of smelling other broads perfumes, while you can't.

Douche bag move number 239285 in my life. I sleep with catalina. But she knows what she's there for. Just a toy. To put it like the great, we'll call him Sir Willis, "Blond girls are just toys for sexual pleasure. The brunettes are the ones you want to marry."

I only agree with that first part.

*edit* "Don't forget the handcuffs <3"