Whorror story.

Single women all over the world try to find love in the wrong places. You can't find real love at a bar, a party, or anything alcohol related when there are men around. I'll tell you anything I think you would want to hear just to get you to fuck up and kiss me. It's just just a big game to guys. Who can get the girls number? Who can leave with a girl they met with out buying them one drink? Who can get the hottest girl in the bar to blow you outside in the parking lot?

I'm not speaking for all men who go out drinking, But men go to bars for two reasons. Easy drinks and loose women. (loose as in morals, not their bits and pieces.) All men know that a girl with ten drinks in her is pretty much as easy as the quizzes on the back of Kellogs-Brand cereal box. Probably just slightly easier as you don't have to actually write or draw to pull some slut. You just have to sell your self to them as the perfect gentleman. Or, you can just do what I do and say that you're dating a girl. Even when you're not. Women absolufuckinglutely love what they can't have. I'm pretty confident in saying that I got more ass while having a girlfriend then when I'm single.

There's girls that I call "Bar Stars". You know who I'm talking about. The kind that are out of control ridiculous and at the bar from seven p.m. till fifteen minutes before closing and walk out with a different man every night.

Just pretty enough to fuck any man they want, but not pretty enough to be selective. These are the kind of girls that date me.

Here's a little story about warm weather, a picnic table, a random girl, and a little game I like to call Rock, Paper, S(k)issors, Fuck. You'd think that the game Rock, Paper, Scissors would only have one application. That's to determine who gets to do something or not. Being a fifteen year old alcoholic with no car or money makes you come up with creative ways to use just your hands to play drinking games.

After talking to, we'll call her Ez, for about 10 minutes I decide to pull the ever famous card. "Do you want to play rock, paper, scissors, drink!?" No girl can pass this up. Ever. Probably because it's the easiest thing in the world and doesn't require much thinking. My other favorites are such classics as "Red or Black" and "High or Low" If I have to explain either one of these games , please, get a license to carry, a small pistol, one round of ammo and paint the wall with your face. At this point in time I turn my phone off because I was "in a dead zone" or so catalina was told.

My doucheometer was in the red for this one. I'm at some random kids house who I only briefly spoke to, before I tried to bang any piece of ass there. Luckily for me, It only took the first girl I saw. This doesn't happen often since I kind of look like a hybrid of an elf, a Jew, and a Hurley kid poster boy at Pacific Sunwear.

"Rock, Paper, Scissors, Drink!" (RPSD) This phrase was said for about three beers worth for each of us. After about six beers I think I'm fucking Casanova, anyways. I also don't fear rejection at all anymore. I got over that shit when I was about eighteen. The way I see it, if you try and it doesn't happen at least you know for a fact instead of wondering alone in your bed later. Oh, and you can move on to the next one.

I whispered in her ear "How about some Rock, Paper, Scissors, Make out?". This is it. Will she reject me?

Take a guess. I wouldn't be writing a story about me getting sent home with no trophy.

I look at her eyes trying to read how she's gonna handle this one. Am I going to get slapped? Or is she just so taken aback that I would say this to some one I just met ten minutes ago. Her response. "Does that mean, we like make out if you win?" With out missing a beat, I tell her that if I win, she has to kiss me, and if she wins, I have to kiss her.

Yeah. I know you just read that and were like that doesn't even make sense. But to a buzzed up nineteen year old girl that I'm trying to sleep with it makes complete sense. I don't remember the outcome of the actual hand throwing, but I do know that there was a picnic table and a tongue in my mouth. Normally I'm not one to be an exhibitionist, but I'll make an exception this one time.

Ez is leaning against the picnic table looking a little disheveled. To my amazement this girl was a terrible kisser. At nineteen years old and you're still a bad kisser? You must be good at fucking then. She looked like a good fucker, anyways. She must of been hammered because the next thing I remember is her hands on my belt asking me if I had a condom. Luckily for me when I go on conquests I come prepared. You don't want to be caught in the middle of battle and realize you forgot your ammo in the sock drawer.

We're getting it busy and it's hard for any one to not make any noise with a dick in them. We've all been there. Like when you're getting rammed or doing some excavating with your parents in the next room. It was like that. Of course people are gonna wonder "Hm, what's going on this the panting and moaning over here." At least it was my friends that came around the first time. They don't give a fuck about what I do, just like I don't give a shit about what they do. Unless the girls a whale or looks like Beavis.

We use code works if you're making a mistake. The most famous one is "Some one is stealing your vodka."

Vodka = Pride and dignity.

So my friends come around and I get the OK! thumbs up! from them. They dismiss them selves awfully quick and I proceed to get back in the battle. I have to admit, the sex wasn't all that great as it was on some picnic table and im holding my hand over her mouth to try to get her to shut the fuck up so more people don't show up. It actually kind of looked like rape. But that shit gets me wild and crazy.

The second group of people to come and take a peek? The kid who owns the house I'm at that I just introduced my self to about thirty minutes earlier. Uh, oh. In my mind I was like, Fuck, this kids not going to be to thrilled with this. I start to pull out and put away the cash and prizes, but he just looks at me and starts laughing and just says "That's fucking awesome!" Thank god for booze. If this kid was sober he would of been like ...

"Hey, random kid I just met that's banging my friend on this table. Can you um, leave?"

He was being kind of creepy actually though, stayed for about thirty seconds to long. Just long enough for me to loose my erection. If you're a man and this happens to you while you have a condom on. It's all over. You don't have any condoms in reserve? Looks like you're done for the night. Pack your bags, Steve, you're going home.

I turn my phone back on and do the stereotypical exchange of phone numbers, a little kiss and a nuzzle and I'm on my way back to my house. Text message twenty minutes later.

"we made that picnic table our bitch <3"

I call up catalina, I'll be heading home soon. She should come over when I get there. I never got to finish.

Told you the doucheometer was red lined for this one. The best part about meeting this girl was that after I told her I had a girlfriend she didn't even give a shit. I kind of fell in love a little bit more. Saturday nights, like clockwork, were the nights I would just wait for two a.m to roll around. She would always text me asking me if I wanted her to come over. We all know now, that I do not pass up on any situation like that. After a couple weeks of that all I would get in the text was "<3" around two.

<3 = Can I come over and grind all over your privates. My response? Just a simple <3 back. Unless I was with catalina, then it would just be a <3 with a / through it.

Perfect.

The bar and house parties are definetly the easiest place to get random ass. Not to mention, if you want to cheat on whoever you're with it works out pretty well. No one really wants to call the other person after a one night stand. It's that walk of shame that no one really wants to relive. Besides, most of the time the person you bring home for a one night stand you wouldn't really want to show off anyways.

right?