Minimal Amount of Alcohol, Massive Amounts of Misconduct.

Some things in life are guaranteed. Death, cavities, let down, and getting absolutely shit faced on your twenty first birthday. If you don't wake up throwing up the next morning you did something wrong. I'm a big advocate of debauchery, as you can probably tell.

For awhile there any time some one would tell me they were turning twenty-one I would make it a point to make them take shots of whiskey with lime. The lime makes them always say yes, but it doesn't even matter, as there's only about a drop of lime in there for flavor. Who ever decided to first put Yukon Jack and lime juice (another one of my favorite things to pour into my face) is my hero.

Oddly enough, I had quit drinking for six months prior to my twenty-first to see if I could do it. If I really was a slave to the weekend, if I could overcome the want, and need to get shitty and bring the mother fucking raucous. Energy drinks were the bane of my existence through out this experience. I would go through four of these massive energy drinks and as you probably know, this is worse than drinking four forties of Steel Reserve. At least you'll pass out after and wake up feeling like shit, instead I would stay up till Ninja Turtles would come on, shaking in my bed from the sugar and caffeine. I might as well of been doing cocaine.

This story I'm about to tell has nothing to do with me turning 21. It just happens to be a day I'll remember for the rest of my life.

It's really easy to balance trying to see multiple girls when you're not drinking at all. You remember everything, you don't slip at the tongue, you can easily say that you're the designated driver and still go out. I know it seems impossible that I can't get laid with out alcohol, but it happens even more so get the fuck over it.

****(8:57:10 PM): yeah thnk god for booze some guys would have a harder time getting laid

Don't know if I should take that above statement as a personal attack or just a general hate for men. I'll go with the first. "harder time" - LOL

At the time of this I was seeing about five different girls. I had been single for almost a year and built up quite the smorgasbord of girls to lie to. A couple with boyfriends, which is my favorite. Just using one another because their boyfriends can't fuck correctly. If you're a guy and you're reading this, make damn sure that you make your girl have orgasms on a constant basis or she'll be out trying to with some one else. Scratch that, they'll be out regardless so don't even bother.


I'm sure you all have those people that you would hook up with randomly since you were a teenager. This one girl, was my favorite. I won't even give her a name. I've cheated on every girl I've dated with this girl. She's one of those girls that when you look at her all you can think of is sex. Every time her and one of the boyfriends she had would break up, I'd be right there. Rebound hero.

Around this time me and her were actually doing cute shit. I was trying to pick which one I could get away with cheating on the most and just generally being all around shitty too. This girl lost. (or won, you decide.)

On the morning of my twenty-first I drive a couple towns over to get breakfast with this one. It's the middle of June and it just started getting over 85* for the first time. I remember smiling to my self, knowing that I had lined up going to catalinas house after I left here. I wonder what kind of bullshit I could get away with today.

eeeeek.

The lying started early. It's roughly 10 A.M on a saturday. (yes, my 21'st fell on a saturday. You jealous?) Telling girl number one that I had to go eat lunch with my grandfather, so I could only stay for a little bit. We do the popular Friendly's breakfast. This restaurant fucking blows. The only thing worth eating there is the ice cream. It's owned by the same people who own Denny's. Didn't know that, did you?

Breakfast ends, I pay for it, because I'm such a gentleman. It's my birthday and I'm paying to take some one else out. I love women. Besides, $20 to get half a blow job and your cock shook isn't a bad deal. This girl loves to tease for some reason. The kind of tease that's cute for the first thirteen seconds, but after that it's like hurry up and put it in your face. This is never the case as the teasing must last forever because she needs to feel the power of a guy begging. Luckily, I know this game and have the perfect defense for it.

You just tell them to stop and start doing it to them. How do you like me now?

Skipping the "sex" story here. Nothing entertaining anyways. I remember this one pretty well though. The phone rings. catalina. The ability to lie that I have has come from years of experience.

"Who's that?" girl asks with a perturbed look.

"Oh, fuck, it's my grandfather! I must be late!" I flip open the phone. This crazy nextel piece of shit that has a button on it for lazy mother fuckers such as my self who can't be hastled with the regular flip. "Hi. am I late?"

"Hi, there. You still coming over for lunch?" catalina. Ugh. At this point we had been seeing one another for about three months. Yeah. I'll be there in an hour after I'm done hooking up with your friends.

I actually said "Oh. Yeah, that? Definitely. Be there in an hour." She says something to the effect of see you later, and hangs up. I continue talking to no one "Yeah. Gramps, I'll bring some beer. What do you want at the store? uh huh. uh huh. See ya in an hour."

scum bag.

Kiss, hug, gang sign on the way out. Start the drive back to vice central, or Leominster (the town I live in) for round two of the day. I pull into a my gym to use the bathroom. Gotta make sure there's no sparkles on me. This has been my downfall in the past. Have to make sure you don't smell like girl. This is why I keep a change of clothes in my car. I realize I probably smell like girl so I'll have to use my gym to shower at. Yes. this is why I have a gym membership. A place to shower and change with out ever having to even go home. Feel free to steal that cheating tip and use it in your perfect relationship you don't have.

*random* This is how I asked catalina out. "Will you be my bitch?"
I should get an award for being the most romantic asshole ever. Sadly, she said yes to this. Would you?

I show up to her house in gym shorts and a t-shirt. A far cry from what I was wearing this morning. At least this girl knows exactly why I'm here. We're not going out to eat. I'm coming over to have a mid day bang session. I think I might of been throwing the "I love you" around by this time. Once you say it, girls think it's true. Who would lie about something like that? You'd have to be a monster of a douche.

eeeeek.

Skipping more of the "sex" story. Nothing entertaining, again. It was good though. Just at the time when you're ready to do the ridiculous shit you wouldn't do with a one night stand in fear that they'll think you're a freak. I think we cuddled till about dinner time. By this time I'm getting a ridiculous amount of phone calls and texts saying happy birthday from people I didn't even really care about. I actually had even forgot it was my birthday for a little bit. I was afraid to drink, my liver was my friend for a minute. I was going to change this.

I didn't have to lie to her about what I was doing that night, It's hard to lie when you don't know the truth about what you're gonna do. I figured that two girls for the day was enough.

I'm skipping the amount of drinking that goes on here, as you probably know. Girls that walk around half naked with shot glasses? I've never seen this and I am intrigued. That's all you need to hear.

I end up going over (I have to be real delicate here, as I still talk to this girl) Blues house. Blue is for the color of her eyes. Piercing. I have blue eyes, but this girls should be ripped out of her head when she dies and put into a super models. I didn't figure I'd end up by the end of the night with my dick in her mouth.

I never thought that the by using a quote from a movie would actually work. "why don't we, uh, play just the tip. Just for a second. Just to see... how it feels."


She thinks I'm being serious.
I think I'm being funny.

It works out either way. She told me not to long ago that when she went upstairs she made out with some other dude upstairs for a little bit. I'm not to up to date on the time line of their make out, but I hope it wasn't anywhere near the time my dick went into her mouth to the end of the night.

eeeek.

We cuddle snugly and wake up in the morning. "Do you hate me, yet?" I ask her. She just shakes her head, no. At breakfast she sits on the other side of the table, about eight people down. She's pissed at her self. I can tell. Most girls are when they realized they hooked up with me the night before, and fell for the "Just the tip" line.

Told you the story had nothing to do with alcohol consumption.

I think I'm going to be done writing about my cheating stories, there are more, but I feel ending with a catalina sandwich on my birthday is just to much. How I got caught cheating, though, well, that's a different story. You can't get away with everything forever.