What you brought and what it says about you.

 I'm not afraid of alcohol. Some might even say I would marry it and show it more respect than any woman if given the chance. Alcohol is like my best friend and my worst enemy all rolled into one.


I've drank everything from top shelf brandy that goes for 45$ a snifter, to wine that sells for 11$ a box. What I choose to drink on a day to day basis has nothing to do with price, and everything to do with how throwed I want to get.  There was a time in my life where I would only drink Bacardi and Mountain Dew. Most of these days would end with me passing out in some ones sink or in my backyard making love to a bush.

By making love I mean throwing up on it violently until I made it my bitch.


So what did you bring to the fucking party?

- Johnnie Walker Black/Blue/Green/Gold -

 Wow, I'm so impressed. Look at your impeccable taste in choice whiskeys. Usually will hoard this bottle by either keeping it right next to them, or hidden in the bathroom cabinet. Don't even bother asking for a taste. They'll look at you like you just asked to mutilate their first born. This person doesn't drink often, and has the ability to purchase expensive alcohol. They can barely drink it straight even with five ice cubes.

One of my favorites. The "What the fuck did I just do to my self" face. You know what face I'm talking about; looks like a reaction video to Two Girls One cup. Finishes about half of it and throws up in their mouth. Then on the floor. Then in the sink. Then in/on the toilet.  Operation: Look Awesome went totally F.U.B.A.R. Then passes out on the bathroom floor. The only bathroom in the house.



- A 30 pack of Bud/Coors lite -

    The main staple of any party, be it a holiday party, or just a night in with the guys playing Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare. This person usually can't drink all thirty beers, but is very protective of his children. It works the same way with real kids; Once they get to about eighteen you don't really give a fuck anymore. Then openly hands them out to the world. Always asks "Can this fit in the fridge?"

Yes. There's room for it in the fridge. Do mean can you put it in the fridge? Would be a dick move for me to say nope, you got to keep your beers warm or you can get the fuck out! It's never Budweiser or Coors' originals. It's always the lite variety. Almost always end up driving home because they're "Not that drunk."

Dies before he even leaves the driveway.


- Can't-See-Through-Squeeze-Bottle - 

More often than not, brought by a girl who was previously raped in high school. She's convinced her self that she was raped, though. When in actuality she let half the soccer team gang bang her in grandmother's hand-me-down Buick. Almost always contains Arbor Mist, that has the same amount of alcohol that one beer has. When asked what it is, she'll say it's Captain and Coke and start stumbling all over the place.

Bad choice. Remember the Buick?

One of two things happens. She either leaves early with the guy she brought, or spots a guy she wants to fuck. One thing is a for certain, though, she's not leaving till she lifts her self-esteem by lowering her standards tonight.

- Mad Dog 20/20 -

 "I'm poor."


- A Veggie Tray - 

What the fuck is this faggotry? We're not in 5'th grade, bro. This isn't a potluck dinner and I fucking hate broccoli. The only time this is acceptable to bring is when  some one is having a BBQ. With old people and little kids and clowns. But this leads me to the next rule. You're not allowed to be at a party with clowns because that is creepy as fuck.

Go back to the store and switch this vegetable bullshit for several packages of maple bacon to make up for this bullshit.


- Single 40 Ounce of King Cobra -

 You know you only brought three and a half beers, right? Just because they're all stuck together doesn't make it cool. Usually a vulture, looking to feed off of every one else after their forty is gone.  Drinking a forty was cool when I was fifteen; when it only took three beers for me to get drunk. Every one knows the only exceptable  forty is the 211. The Steel Reserve. The real king of the Forties. It's cheaper, has 3% more alcohol by volume than the rest and it tastes like champion, liquefied.

Goes home sober. This is even worse than death.

- 5 liter Box Of Wine- 

"Are you kidding me? You brought wine? Are you gay?"


No. He's not gay, or stupid. He's smart. He bought five liters of awesome for just under twelve bucks. He's going to have the best time of his life and no one is going to stop him. Not you, not his girlfriend, or the cops. We have a saying in my group of friends. "You don't make plans when there is a box of wine involved - the box makes plans for you."

This person is a supreme alcoholic. They know what they're getting them selves into. Chances are they'll ruin your night.

Me and Sir Willis came up with a game while doing the five liter challenge, and again, I repeat, you don't make plans, the box makes plans for you. It's called the "Rape Game". You pop in a horror movie, and every time you hear the words no, stop, please, or help. You have to drink. You have to drink double if the words are combined in a sentence.


- Not a god damn thing -

Alright. Well, I guess we know who the douche bag is. This person just shows up at parties holding nothing but their dick and expects you to get them drunk. Quickly makes friends with Bud/Coors' kid around his 18'th beer. This is cool if you're straight edge, (did I just use cool and straight edge in the same sentence?) because you're not looking to get anything out of it. Will drink the end of any bottle in the freezer and probably even the ass out of the beer you just put down.

Probably just showed up because he saw cars in the driveway. Cool story, bro.
 

- Goldschläger - 

If you brought this, you need to ask your self two questions: Am I still in high school? Am I easily amused by shiny things?  A yes to either of these questions and you can drink all the Gold flakes you want,  baller.


Bringing Goldschlager does not mean you can say "Ballin`" every time you take a sip. If you're above the age of twenty one, and you still think the gold flakes cut your throat, blow your brains out. I'll give you the gun. 

Oh, snap. It's real gold! Yeah, a total of  .1 grams of gold. A total of three dollars. You just payed 28$ to get this bottle. You're not winning. Ends up trying to throw up the gold fakes to melt them down to get a forty because he is now broke, because he used his lunch money for school for the week on this.


- A Keg/Beer ball - 

All hail the mother fucking king. I got nothing to make fun of this person. He is the man, and I am his bitch. He will never leave the kegs side. It is his baby and he is its protector until it dies. A guardian angel, if you will. Leaves with non-see-through-bottle girl. Ends up in jail three weeks later for rape.




What are you bringing to my next party?